Land Rover driver finally enjoys two days of using its full capability

The owner of a Land Rover near you is loving the snowy weather and is hoping for loads more, it has been confirmed.  He is, at last, enjoying the two days of the year he can use the full capability of the vehicle.

Mike McBride, a sales manager in Leeds, has been seen strolling out of his house into heavy snow, towards his huge beast of a vehicle, luxuriantly spread across 3 parking spaces, before smoothly moving off into a few inches of hard packed ice with minimal effort. 

'I live for these two days each year when the snow comes down,' admitted McBride. 'Everyone else is busting a gut with spades and grit trying to get their crappy little Clios moving without skidding all over the place, but the old Land Rover just cuts through like a knife through butter.

'I should say I’m not involved in the farming industry in any way. Nor do I shoot game where I’d need a dedicated space in my vehicle to put all the pheasant I’ve bludgeoned.

‘So, no, I have no actual need for a Land Rover. As a result, I have to spend most of my year trying to justify why I need a £75,000 vehicle to get me three miles from my suburban home to a city centre office, via a well-connected A-Road.' 

'Surprisingly, no-one has been convinced by my arguments that I genuinely need a car where the power is evenly distributed across all 4 wheels to generate my quarterly sales charts, or that the engine's powerful torque helps me and my team meet our KPIs.'   

'So, yes, on the rare occasions when we do see a bit of snowfall, of course I'm going to be out in my pride and joy from 6am, showing off its abilities to navigate ungritted side roads, effortlessly do a hill start on a cheeky bit of ice, and posting on Facebook that I'm available to give lifts to anyone stuck getting to work - even though I probably won't reply to any of the messages from all those losers with tiny one litre engines.'

McBride also confirmed his plans for the foreseeable future to drive right up other drivers' arses, and mouth instructions in a passive-aggressive manner for them to get into a higher gear and steer into skids.  

Picture credit: Wix AI

Car-parts manufacturer set for bumper year

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Ford surprised to be joint winner of Turner Prize

Executives from the Ford Motor Company pronounced themselves surprised to have won the Turner Prize this morning.

Jasleen Kaur‘s installation “Sociomobile”, consisting of an early 1980s Ford Escort with a big doily on it, was announced as the winner during a ceremony at Tate Britain last night. 

'I don’t think any of us knew we’d entered this competition,' said Ford’s Head of PR Mark Nylon. 'But it’s hard to dispute that more work went into designing and building the car than making a big doily, or putting the doily on top of the car. So I guess this is mostly down to us.'

Kaur described the work as “exploring themes of memory, identity and subjectivity”, to which Nylon added “Er… sure. What she said.”

Meanwhile Elon Musk has complained that Tesla’s Cybertruck was surely more of a work of art than a Ford Escort, and should have won the prize.

“A Ford Escort was fundamentally useful. It represented the pinnacle of car design in its time, and millions of people used them to get to work every day. The Cybertruck would look ridiculous in any era, and spends more time being recalled by Tesla than being driven by anyone. If you want to actually get anywhere, you’ve got more chance with a banana taped to the wall.

“Surely it must be a work of art, since it’s bloody useless as anything else?”

Photo by Luca Hooijer on Unsplash