Jackdaw Field: all gas to be put back eventually

The government has upset environmentalists by allowing gas to be taken from the Jackdaw field. To placate them the government has promised to put all the gas back in due course.

'It's quite straightforward,' said a government apologist. 'We use the gas now, while it's expensive. And then later, when it's cheap, we'll buy the equivalent amount and pump it back into the ground. That fully offsets the environmental damage done.

'As an enhancement we might use carbon capture technology to store carbon in black lumps which scientists call 'coal'. And we could pump these lumps back under the North Sea.

'This policy is just a one-off for the Jackdaw field. We aren't going to refill the Brent oil field. That would be catastrophically expensive. Although we are considering putting energy back into the environment by making wind turbines go in the opposite direction.'

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Carbon Capture involves holding in farts

The Government's flagship performative initiative to save the environment, entails a series of hiccup cures. A spokeswoman for Keir Starmer said: 'If every person in the UK holds their breath indefinitely, we can solve the carbon crisis and trim the electoral register at the same time.'

One scientist complained: 'Rather than cut back on fossil fuels or grow some actual...oh, what do we call them? Trees. Yes, that's it! Motherf$cking trees!!! The UK has opted to pump all farts into underground caverns, like a Goblin with IBS.'

The spokeswoman defended the

£24bn being invested in pretend science. 'Just stop sneezing, okay?' Will that help? 'Nope. But neither does fake carbon capture.'

Image: Photo by Daniel Dan on Unsplash

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