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Apocalypse Horsemen send 'Save the Date' cards


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In a fetching floral print, the hand-crafted invitations have been sent to every person on Earth. Remarked Conquest: 'The End of Days always felt so vague. It's been so lovely to have a fixed date at last.'


'Thanks to the inaction and incompetence of world leaders, we are now in a position to plan for our special day. It will be a nondenominational service, but at that point, praying to God will do you no good anyway. Oh, and Famine has sorted out everyone's dietary arrangements - which will be light on calories.


'We took awhile to agree on the day, as we wanted to avoid any rail strikes. We're just so pleased that everyone is invited - well technically, it's compulsory. Trust me, you wouldn't want to miss it for the world... what's left of it.'



New Lotto Scratchcard top prize is GP appointment


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Patients have responded positively to news that they can finally secure a GP appointment, just as long as they can find a scratchcard showing three stethoscopes.


'It’s got to be better than trying to get through on the phone', said one.


Ministers deny that the Lotto prizes are a form of creeping privatisation. 'We’re simply replacing the postcode lottery with an actual lottery', a spokesman told us. 'This way, access to healthcare is fair and democratic, just as long as you can afford £5 per ticket'.


In other reforms, every A & E is to have a drive-in movie screen so that paramedics have something to do while waiting to discharge their patients.

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