0 MPH speed limit to be introduced in Central London

The London Mayor's Office has announced forthcoming legislation that will see all motorists in centre of the capital having to observe a strict 0 mph speed limit from January 1st 2027.

A spokesperson told reporters: 'We have seen fine revenues dropping significantly as more motorists have become used to adhering to the 20 mph limit. There was some call to reduce that to 10 mph but in the end we decided to go the whole hog.

'So from next year anyone found driving any motor vehicle that moves at all, no matter if it’s only 0.5 mph, they will be photographed simultaneously by forty different cameras and automatically receive a summons in their email within five seconds of the offence being committed.'

When reporters suggested that once again the motorist was being used as a cash cow to raise stealth taxes for the government to piss up the wall on mad schemes like the Northern Powerhouse, the spokesperson was quick to defend the move.

“Not at all. This is purely driven by safety first and foremost. It may interest you to know that if a car runs over a pedestrian’s head, even if it’s going at a snail’s pace then death will be inevitable. Compare that statistic to 100% of people that don’t get struck by a stationary motor vehicle and come to no harm whatsoever.'

Reacting to the news - should the scheme prove to be successful then it will be rolled out to other major cities, boorish oaf Jeremy Clarkson said: “It's utter bollocks. This madness won’t make any difference. Traffic in Central London has been totally gridlocked since 1979.

Photo by Mahibul Hasan Fahim on Unsplash

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In the light of the dearth of driving examiners, Shelley (not her real name) was glad to get any examiner for her recent driving test. She was shocked by the apparent new format. 'I parked up my Fiesta and waited. The examiner first of all demanded that I get in the 'proper way' through the roof. He said he was made very uneasy by the lack of something he called 'proper Chobham' and asked where the HESH rounds were actually kept.'

Shelley continued her recount.' Next, he seemed annoyed that my car was ridiculously roomy and kept asking if the radio was encrypted and where the other people were. We then had to ask two other candidates to get in too, otherwise he said it wasn't really safe to proceed. We all had to address him as Commander but we weren't very confident despite his air of authority.

He was angry at what he called my excessive speed and acceleration. As the test progressed, he seemed to get increasingly bored and frustrated. In the end, he instructed me to leave the road completely to demonstrate my driving 'properly'. He seemed quite pleased with this rather infrastructure-heavy part of the test which included the wall around Sainsbury's as well as a couple of trolleys. We terrorised some Duke of Edinburgh Award students, the Cockerpoo owners' club and our local children's nursery, all of whom ran, more or less successfully, screaming from our path. At one point most of our local Farmers Market seemed to be impaled on the front of the car. They weren't happy. '

But, did she pass her test?' Sadly, after a particularly challenging downward slope into the local quarry, the Fiesta was totalled, 'she mourned. 'The Commander said I had failed. I hadn't used my indicator on one occasion when pulling out.'

Image: Perchance AI