PM to ban windmill cars

Rolling back in his pledge to phase out our reliance on petrol, Mr. Sunak said he would halt the manufacture of vehicles that ran on tidal power and fairy tears. Electric cars were unfeasible, as they relied too heavily on trance music, the migratory pattern of wild geese, and jam.

A spokeswoman said: 'There's no way electric cars can work, how can you get that many hamsters to spin the wheels? Also, how would you get your light switch to reach that far, hmmm?'

The only reliable fuel is dinosaur juice, anything else is the work of communists and unicycle manufacturers. 'If you ask me we should have got rid of the Shire horse. Oil may be sticky and unpleasant, but only electricity is Satan's jizz.'

Sunak committed to more green coloured cars by 2035

Rishi Sunak has been busy putting the 'mentalist' into 'environmentalist', by committing the UK to dramatically increase the number of cars that are painted green. However he has drawn some criticism for pushing the deadline for this back from 2030 to 2035 and not including cars that are aquamarine or turquoise.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst explained 'Rishi can’t see what difference 5 minutes makes. Besides he wants the car industry to bring back lead based paint. Taking lead out of paint is woke and the EU are to blame. We in the Tory party welcome an increase in the number of people who are mentally impaired because that means more votes for us!'

'And we’re going to bring back CFCs. That ozone layer has had it too good for too long.'

Boris spotted with 30-year-old escort