top of page

ree

A number of liberal celebrities from both coasts of the US have taken to social media to outdo each other in how upset they are about Trump’s victory in the presidential election.


“I spent this morning holding Frasquita, my Latinx maid from Puerto Mexico, and reassuring her she’s gonna get through this,” said one well known teen pop star. “Though only from behind, so she could carry on cleaning the bathtub.”


“I just don’t understand it,” said a famous actor. “How many times have I posted on social media that people who vote for Trump are just, like, total douchebags? And it still didn’t win them over.”


Another celeb, who is presumably an influencer since she doesn’t seem to do anything else, said that until she watched the election night coverage, she hadn’t even realised how many other states there are between LA and New York.


”Though I guess it does explain why it takes so long to fly over them.”


All the celebs then issued routine threats to leave the country they “no longer recognise at the America we love”. A well known bookmaker quoted the odds of them actually doing this as slightly longer than the presidents’ faces on Mount Rushmore being transformed by wind erosion into the four main characters from Gossip Girl.



Channel 4 has announced the team of political pundits who will maintain its world-beating coverage of the UK General Election on the night of 4th July.


Heading up the incisive analysis will be Rylan Somebody. A spokesman stated, "We hope that Rylan will get behind the big issues and pull everyone that night. Oops! Pull everyone together. Oh dear, that's not much better, is it?"


Rachel Riley will be on everyone's hand to take charge of the numbers as they come in. "It seems likely that the Tories might go for none from the top, whether they want to or not."


Financial analysis will be provided by Blackpool's Mr Austerity, Pete Sandiford from Gogglebox. "Viewers are well aware of Pete's experience and insistence on cutting unnecessary expenditure - like heating and lighting - and how to make a single potato last a week for a family of five. We are hoping to have a dedicated section that evening where Pete and Lee Anderson share tips."


Sustainability and ecology will be the responsibility of Gordon Ramsay. Although outside his usual area of expertise, it is expected that Gordon's forceful character will influence the climate to change its behaviour. "Look! That's too hot! Much too f*cking hot!! What are you trying to do here? You need to turn things down! Way f*cking down! Starting right now!" etc etc


The spokesman concluded, "We had hoped to confirm the inclusion of Simon Cowell, but it's all very dependent on whether the monthly face injections will have set in time to put him under the hot studio lights.


image from pixabay




ree

The Booker Prize, awarded every year to the writer who ticks the most diversity boxes - sorry, the best new work of literary fiction - announced today that it’s introducing a new category for writers who were only published because they already had a TV profile.


The Pre-Existing TV Profile Award, colloquially known as the “already famous off the telly” award, will be spilt into two categories - “slightly tongue in cheek cozy crime fiction” and “children’s books because really how hard can it be?”


Asked why they’re seemingly so dazzled by TV stars, one publisher (who asked to remain anonymous) replied 'Oh, we’re not, not at all. We know that most of it’s shit. But we also know the public will buy it just the same.


'You might as well ask west end producers why they think people off the telly are invariably the best actors. They don’t, they just know people will pay through the nose to see them.'


STOP PRESS: It’s just been announced that the first P-ETPA has been won by “The Boy Who Rushed Out A Ghostwritten Book To Cash In On Having Briefly Been In Hollyoaks.


Photo by Pj Accetturo on Unsplash

bottom of page