Rylan to host Channel 4's election night coverage

Channel 4 has announced the team of political pundits who will maintain its world-beating coverage of the UK General Election on the night of 4th July.

Heading up the incisive analysis will be Rylan Somebody. A spokesman stated, "We hope that Rylan will get behind the big issues and pull everyone that night. Oops! Pull everyone together. Oh dear, that's not much better, is it?"

Rachel Riley will be on everyone's hand to take charge of the numbers as they come in. "It seems likely that the Tories might go for none from the top, whether they want to or not."

Financial analysis will be provided by Blackpool's Mr Austerity, Pete Sandiford from Gogglebox. "Viewers are well aware of Pete's experience and insistence on cutting unnecessary expenditure - like heating and lighting - and how to make a single potato last a week for a family of five. We are hoping to have a dedicated section that evening where Pete and Lee Anderson share tips."

Sustainability and ecology will be the responsibility of Gordon Ramsay. Although outside his usual area of expertise, it is expected that Gordon's forceful character will influence the climate to change its behaviour. "Look! That's too hot! Much too f*cking hot!! What are you trying to do here? You need to turn things down! Way f*cking down! Starting right now!" etc etc

The spokesman concluded, "We had hoped to confirm the inclusion of Simon Cowell, but it's all very dependent on whether the monthly face injections will have set in time to put him under the hot studio lights.

image from pixabay

Booker Prize introduces new “already famous off the telly” category

The Booker Prize, awarded every year to the writer who ticks the most diversity boxes - sorry, the best new work of literary fiction - announced today that it’s introducing a new category for writers who were only published because they already had a TV profile.

The Pre-Existing TV Profile Award, colloquially known as the “already famous off the telly” award, will be spilt into two categories - “slightly tongue in cheek cozy crime fiction” and “children’s books because really how hard can it be?”

Asked why they’re seemingly so dazzled by TV stars, one publisher (who asked to remain anonymous) replied 'Oh, we’re not, not at all. We know that most of it’s shit. But we also know the public will buy it just the same.

'You might as well ask west end producers why they think people off the telly are invariably the best actors. They don’t, they just know people will pay through the nose to see them.'

STOP PRESS: It’s just been announced that the first P-ETPA has been won by “The Boy Who Rushed Out A Ghostwritten Book To Cash In On Having Briefly Been In Hollyoaks.

Photo by Pj Accetturo on Unsplash

This year’s must have Christmas gift: news-cancelling headphones

This year’s hot Christmas gift – suitable for all ages – is news-cancelling headphones.

Unlike the more familiar noise-cancelling headphones, the new device can improve your mental state and lift your mood by filtering out all the news you really don’t want to hear any more. I have tried them and they are absolutely brilliant.

The headphones offer a range of settings, so that you can customise your listening experience. These include settings for age, celebrities, and politics, for example.

The celebrity setting can be adjusted to filter out news about all the Kardashians and anyone associated with them, Katie Price, Harry and Meghan, Donald Trump, Fred West, people who are only famous because of reality TV shows, and so on.

The age setting filters out the stuff that annoys different generations. When set at over 50, the headphones block stories about funeral plans, varicose veins, stairlifts, leaving gifts in your will and overpriced jumpers. The teenage setting filters out anything about screen time, tidying your room, homework, STDs, and anyone really old (over 25).

The scary setting filters out news about anti-vaxxers, climate change deniers, climate change zealots, Donald Trump, spontaneous combustion, all stories about aliens however ridiculous, all natural disasters caused by earth, wind, fire or water (including ice), and transport disasters – planes, trains, automobiles and the Northern Line.

The politics setting gets rid of speeches by ranty politicians, news about wars and human suffering, problems in countries that you’ve never been to, Donald Trump, terrorism, substandard politicians on so-called TV news channels, Scottish independence, and speculation about the date of the next election.

The science and medical setting is also very useful if you don’t want to hear about any of the following: cancer, things that cause cancer, things that might cause cancer, celebrities with cancer, dementia, suicide, suicide cults, anything poisonous (snakes, spiders, Dominic Cummings), Michael Mosley, those twin doctors, pandemics, women’s problems, NHS waiting lists, medical procedures with graphic detail, men’s problems, alarming new illegal drugs, microplastics, mad treatments such as drinking bleach or blowing a hair drier up your nose, and ultra processed food.

The headphones are a British invention and profits are forecast to be in the hundreds of millions. This is very welcome news for the Netherlands Antilles, where all profits will be reported. On the plus side, there is a setting to tune out news stories about tax havens.

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/