Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise

Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’

The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lovingly archived as part of a barbeque. They will of course retain the best bits-which is the Granda logo, a signed photograph from the cast of ‘On the Buses’ and Phillip Schofield’s leaver’s card.

‘We’ll keep a few family favourites, like Jeremy Kyle driving people to suicide and the animal cruelty from ‘I’m a Celebrity…’. But our many focus will be turning Coronation Street into a global brand, or failing that, a cute box of chocolates. Oh, and we’ll keep the adverts, we love the adverts.’

image from Grok

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Paddington Bear exposed as ‘marmalade monster’ in latest celebrity scandal.

Beloved children’s icon Paddington Bear stands accused of decades of marmalade-fuelled impropriety, in what the tabloids have dubbed ‘Paddingtongate - The Sticky Paws Affair.’

Once seen as the epitome of politeness and immigrant success stories, it has emerged that Paddington was less ‘charming foreign bear’ and more ‘sinister sandwich-pusher’. Several women have come forward describing incidents where Paddington cornered them under the pretence of offering them a marmalade sandwich, before making unwanted advances.

One BBC presenter said Paddington would often grope her with his paws. 'The moment cameras stopped rolling, it wasn’t just the marmalade that got sticky,' she revealed. 'He had a suitcase full of ‘special sandwiches’. The smell alone could knock you unconscious. He’d say, eat this sandwich darling, or you’ll never work in children’s television again,’ she sobbed.

There have been further allegations that Paddington ran a ‘marmalade cartel’ stretching from Windsor Gardens to the upper echelons of the BBC, silencing complaints with veiled threats involving the Wombles.

'He’s been running this town for years,' said one anonymous TV producer. 'It’s no coincidence that Postman Pat lost his job after he questioned Paddington’s sandwich expenses.'

Paddington has released a statement denying all allegations of sinister marmalade deployment, blaming cultural misunderstandings and insisting that ‘darkest Peru had different sandwich customs’. However, insiders claim Paddington is preparing for a legal fight, having assembled a formidable defence team including Sooty, Basil Brush, and a former PR advisor to Mr Blobby.

As the scandal unfolds, the Queen’s portrait with Paddington has been quietly removed from the Buckingham Palace gift shop, the BBC has launched yet another inquiry, and #Unbearable has been trending on Twitter. One thing is clear: no one will look at a marmalade sandwich the same way again.

There has been no official comment from Downing Street so far, though an unnamed source said the Prime Minister is ‘relieved it’s not Larry the Cat this time’.

Channel 4 has announced it will suspend its upcoming 'Paddington’s Great British Bake-Off Special' until a thorough and impartial review is conducted, which will be led by Bagpuss.

In a surprise twist, Rupert the Bear has announced a tell-all memoir titled ‘I Saw What Paddington Did’. Sources claim Winnie-the-Pooh is also preparing to break his silence, although insiders warn Pooh is in no position to talk.

Meanwhile, bookmakers have slashed odds on the next British icon to face scrutiny, with Fireman Sam and the Honey Monster emerging as early favourites.

Image credit: yeri.ai (thanks, lockjaw)

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