LA fires just P.Diddy client list being burnt

Los Angeles erupted in flames, as Hollywood notables tried to burn their season ticket to Diddy's mansion and the Epstein Island. So huge was the pile of evidence, that the conflagration could be seen for miles. Witnesses said the smoke cloud resembled a gurning Bill Clinton.

The client list, which is said to include 7% of all Americans and 100% of Oscar nominees, filled whole warehouses. All those names have now been lost in the fires and can only be recovered if you Google 'people who thanked Beyonce'.

Sadly the fires have spread to engulf Trump's hush money, Obama's birth certificate and Joe Biden's war crimes and pill prescription. Lawyers say they will be unable to prosecute due to a lack of evidence, meaning P.Diddy will walk free - if only he was not going to be found mysteriously dead in his cell next week.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trial questions for would-be agony aunts/uncles/piblings etc.

Q:  Can everyone see what total knobs Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Elon Musk are, or am I wearing magic glasses?

Q:  My wife assured me her 'Mrs Always Right' mug was microwave safe.  It turns out it wasn't.  How does one proceed from a marital point of view?

Q:  Given that wars are generally fought over invisible things - borders, gods, principles etc. - can I invade the Houses of Parliament over my pension?

Q:  I am putting out a petition calling for the OED to redefine the word 'celebrity' - any takers?

Q:  It struck me that the European response to any world conflict would be doomed if it was centred around EU or NATO military collaborations.  Would it be better to proceed with a Eurovision Alliance?

Footnote: Pibling is a word. Google it.

Scary picture credit: Wix AI

Liberal US celebs compete to be most upset at Trump victory

A number of liberal celebrities from both coasts of the US have taken to social media to outdo each other in how upset they are about Trump’s victory in the presidential election.

'I spent this morning holding Frasquita, my Latinx maid from Puerto Mexico, and reassuring her she’s gonna get through this,' said one well known teen pop star. 'Though only from behind, so she could carry on cleaning the bathtub.'

'I just don’t understand it,' said a famous actor. 'How many times have I posted on social media that people who vote for Trump are just, like, total douchebags? And it still didn’t win them over.'

Another celeb, who is presumably an influencer since she doesn’t seem to do anything else, said that until she watched the election night coverage, she hadn’t even realised how many other states there are between LA and New York.

'Though I guess it does explain why it takes so long to fly over them.'

All the celebs then issued routine threats to leave the country they 'no longer recognise at the America we love'. A well known bookmaker quoted the odds of them actually doing this as slightly longer than the presidents’ faces on Mount Rushmore being transformed by wind erosion into the four main characters from Gossip Girl.

Image credit: "Slave Leia Photoshoot at Celebrations" by Digital_Rampage is licensed under CC BY 2.0. (cropped)