Shhhhh someone has done something naughty, or not, but no one can ever know about it okay? Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has been threatening injunctions, D notices and three months in the Tower of London - thumbs screws as optional.
The rest of the world has been treated to salacious gossip, while the UK has had to make do with dick picks of David Attenborough - which disappointingly are just photos of him with his brother. Grumbled one humble peasant: 'What, is there is something juicy I don't know about? Oh, come on, tell me. I won't blab, honest.'
A palace insider confirmed: 'He's had a bit of blankety blank with a beeeeep and beeeeeep. Needless to say redacted is furious about the error404 page not found.'
Prince Andrew said: 'It's not me is it?'