'Trump's coming along well,' says proud Putin

'My protege Donald is a model oligarch,' an admiring Vladimir Putin told his house-trained hacks in the Kremlin press corps.

'The way he destroyed Jimmy Kimmel's career was right out of the Goblin Vladimir playbook.

'A comedian mocks you and your allies for taking advantage of someone's death to smear your opponents. What you don't do is go charging in there trying to arrest the guy, because everyone will play the hero and defend him to the hilt.

'So you secretly work on the TV corporation which airs the show, threatening to confiscate its broadcasting licence and to stall on approving its merger request.

'Then you leave it to the board of directors to make their own, totally independent, decision to sack Kimmel for exercising his right of free speech.

'Since the people who own America's media care more about money than freedom, within a matter of months you'll have every one of them in your pocket, just like I have.'

'If you ever wondered what Trump and Putin chatted about in the presidential car in Alaska with no civil servants listening,' said a White House Stepford wife, 'then now you know. He's been learning all that FSB greaseball stuff.

'And you can judge for yourselves just what a grip we've now got on the media in our country after seeing how all the US journalists cravenly stood up and applauded Mr Trump during his state visit to the UK.

'Actually, that was a bit too obvious,' the spokes-robot continued. 'We'll have to order these slavish minions to dial it down a notch.'

'Trump's slavish minions gave him a standing ovation, did they?' roared an incandescent Putin at his press conference in the Kremlin. 'Right, on your feet, you miserable muzhiks! I want relentless clapping for half an hour minimum!'

Image: WixAI

St Winifred's School Choir declared a terrorist organisation

In a move widely thought mentally doubtful, the UK government has declared St Winifred's School Choir a terrorist organisation, for refusing to sing 'Ode to Netanyahu'. Anyone suspected of thinking of attending gatherings, or showing any form of support for the choir faces arrest, standard beatings, a fine of $10 million, and an automatic life sentence without judge or jury.

Missing the bigger picture and questioning why the fine is in US Dollars, a right-wing impartial news broadcaster was informed that it was because that is the standard currency for supplying black market weapons to Israel.

In another ruling, 'Sh*t Your F**cking B*tch Up', a far-right potty-mouthed rap song by the group M*therf**cking C**nts, known to incite hate and violence, has been declared compulsory curriculum learning at nursery schools under the Freedom of Expression Act.

Asking why they had to sing the rap every morning, Oliver (aged 3) was informed by a Downing Street spokesperson stepping out of the crayon cupboard, 'Because we were told to - by a lobbyist for the crazy rich under the government's super-secret but patently obvious cash-for-batshit-policies scheme.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Horror film about a killer teabag given a PG rating

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