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Rishi Sunak admits robbing Peter to pay Paul


Because Paul is wealthy and more likely to vote Conservative in the long run, where as Peter is hard up, and only voted for the Tories to teach Jeremy Corbyn a lesson.


'Think of me as a sort of Reverse Robin Hood,' said the former Chancellor as he called his men to a the tavern on the leafy green, for a very agreeable Prosecco and some vol-au-vents.


He continued, 'I wish to be loved by the rich, feared by the poor, obviously not by Liz Truss, Jacob Rees Mogg and his cohort, though.'


The statement has been roundly condemned by the church, Friar Tuck, who prefers 'a good, honest pint, and a ploughman's lunch', slammed his flagon on the table clearly incandescent with rage..


'I actually hate both of them,' admitted the Sheriff of Nottingham, 'So keep me out of this.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/nottmpictures-8531425/

Cost of living crisis - PM and Chancellor are both on the same page




It's being reported by Downing Street, that although the PM and the Chancellor had previously disagreed about a windfall tax on energy companies they are both now nearly on the same page.


Unfortunately, during their disagreement, the page got shredded. A team of forensic civil servants have been tasked with reassembling the pieces, hopefully in the correct order and it is hoped that by the time the work is completed, the nation will be able to afford to eat again and pay their bills.


When asked how long this would take, one of the civil servants told us "It's a laborious and painstaking job re-assembling shredded paper. Before we can get started on re-assembling the page, we have to pick out the pieces from all the other stuff in the shredder. It wouldn't have been so bad if the PM hadn't asked the Metropolitan police to hand the Partygate evidence over to him, now they've finished their inquiry."


Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader



The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.


Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.


"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.


He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."


Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.



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