Budget changes are disastrous / brilliant

A special interest group has called tax and benefit changes in the budget disastrous / brilliant.

A spokesman said, 'These changes will condemn / rescue a generation to / from poverty. They will be remembered as the high / low point of this Labour government.'

Although the changes are complicated, the majority of people in the special interest group will be worse / better off.

Political commentators believe that the changes will torpedo / turbocharge Labour's chances of winning a second term.

The opposition say that the changes are brilliant / disastrous and long overdue / embarrassing and pitiful. They say that they are unlikely to extend / reverse them when they return to power.

Journalists are rushing to find pathetic and sad / photogenic and happy victims / beneficiaries of the changes.

Starmer's suits, frocks and glasses are security risks

A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.

'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.

'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there.  We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.

He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related.  'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus.  Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.

Picture credit: Wix AI

New Austerity is going to be so much cooler than old Austerity

The Chancellor reassured the nation that her reboot of the George Osborne franchise will be sexier than ever and that her gruel will be thinner than all the rest. Said one Labour voter: 'This is exactly what I voted for. Tory policies but with a Brit Pop soundtrack.'

Her aide explained: 'We'll put a cap on luxury goods. Not yachts. Children. And it's about time people started to pay their taxes. The billionaires? Gosh, no! I mean those disabled pensioners – hoarding all their wealth by not switching the heating on and rolling around in their gold-plated wheel chairs.

'We can only grow the economy by beating it round the the head with a baseball bat and then setting fire to it. There are no free lunches – unless you're a banker- people need tough love, fiscal discipline and rickets. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Except we forget the sugar and the spoon is a fist. Open wide!'

Image; pixabay/paulbloch