Great Offices of State downgraded to Shite Offices

By overwhelming popular demand, the original 'Great Offices of State' will now be called Shite Offices of State.

Guarder of Shite (formerly Home Secretary) - Blaming the unemployed, minorities, disabled people and whoever might be likely to beat them in an election, and calling them "Shite".

Thrower of Shite (formerly Foreign Secretary) - Blaming the EU, foreigners, Russia, Rwanda, Greece, Argentina, Germany, France, and probably any nation, foreigner or even people who look or sound a little foreign, including anyone outside of London and the South East, and especially if Scots, Welsh, or Irish, and calling them all "Shite".

Counter of Shite (formerly Chancellor of the Exchequer) - Balancing the debts against the future debts, shite or otherwise, and looking at new and inventive ways of making people believe that shite happens, and they'll have to pay for it, while also telling them that shite can't happen to them, cos they are too rich or posh, and don't shite. Also referring to anyone with less than ten million of assets, as "Shite".

Head Shite Kicker (formerly Prime Minister) - In this role, the shite gets real, and you need your wits about you to avoid shite sticking to you. Of course, you'll have ample opportunity to kick shite into the long grass, and if you try to throw enough shite at the wall, some of it will stick. And of course, calling random people "Shite", cos it's a top job, with no legal penalties. Do what you want. Say what you want.

A former government source gave his take on things, because he wouldn't talk when he was actually in the government. After some gentle persuasion and a few grand, he gave his wisdom:

'I guess the shite has really hit the fan. The government has no fans left and perhaps that's why they have no shites to give.

Image: Alexas_Fotos | Pixabay

NASA scientists to smash next probe into Kwasi Kwarteng head

Following the success of their asteroid smashing experiment, controllers based at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (JHU-APL) say they will now turn their attention to the rock-like substance that lies between Kwasi Kwarteng’s ears.

Space agency executive Dr. Doris Glazier admitted they were not sure if the Kwarteng impact would be as successful as the deep space collision, but they would at least give it a go.

‘The DART probe only had to travel seven million miles to reach its destination before smashing into the asteroid.

It sounds impressive, but Kwarteng inhabits a totally different solar system to the rest of us and we’re not entirely sure if he can be reached.

And as his mini-budget showed, Kwarteng’s brain is thicker than any space rock known to man.

DART was travelling at 15,000 mph when it crashed into the asteroid, but we’re not sure if that would have any significant impact on the rubble found inside the Chancellor’s brain.

But we have to try; we need to find something to make him change direction. The asteroid rocket may be our only chance’.

Observers say Mr Kwarteng’s policies could bring about the death of the last remaining dinosaurs on Earth, or the Tory party as they are more commonly known here in the UK.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Relief as Kwarteng is taken away by men in white coats

Earlier today, Chancellor of the Exchequer Kwasi Kwarteng was seen being led away from Downing Street wearing a straitjacket, before being bundled into the back of a van by men in white coats.

Dr Valium from St Cuthbert’s Asylum for the Bewildered in Barking told us, 'We’d been looking for him for some time, he’s always wandering off and getting into mischief, bless him. Kwasi Kwarteng isn’t even his real name - it’s Keith Crump, that’s why it took us a while to find him. Thinks he’s Chancellor of the Exchequer this time, does he? Blimey, that’s a laugh – he can’t even add up how many fingers and toes he’s got without getting confused, poor sod. He does like watching Count von Count on his Sesame Street DVDs though, maybe that’s what put the idea into his addled brain that he could do a job where he’s in charge of counting.'

Dr Valium went on to say, 'While we’re on the subject of escaped lunatics, you haven’t seen an insane looking blonde woman wandering around, have you? Talks about cheese and pork markets a lot, thinks she’s Margaret Thatcher..?'

Image from Pixabay by aitoff

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/nuts-crazy-bonkers-mad-hex-2348811/