BBC edit out PM being booed so that Nadine Dorries doesn't seem so f*cking useless

In a move tantamount! to deep faking it, the BBC (now pronounced Vuh Vuh Suh) will be removing all of the boos, jeers and shouts of 'wanker' everywhere Boris Johnson turns up.

Tim Davie, Dictator General of the VVS and Other Propaganda clarified, 'Everyone knows 'King Boris' is universally loved and admired. All newsroom reporters, researchers and production staff have been fired and rehired as Photoshop monkeys. They will doctor all photographic images and video footage of Boris to ensure he has smart hair, glistening muscles and a basic command of his faculties.

'Most importantly, we can't allow the proletariat to remain uncertain as to the veracity of commandments made by Her Royal Shyness Nadine Dorries. In future, all things will be re-cut and broadcast to reflect the unimpeachable truth of the Dorries Accuracy Machine.

'To that end, Eminem will be remastered over the top of her hiphop-rap-casts, and Channel 4 will become a wholly owned subsidiary of a 96% privatised BBC 4 which 53% of people believe is a chatty bidet called Lola.'

Photo by Rich Smith on Unsplash

Nadine Dorries’ social media hijacked by far right trolls

New culture secretary Nadine Dorries has apologised for the upset caused by right-wing trolls hijacking her social media accounts and posting hateful content for years.

A spokeswoman said ‘No responsible Culture Secretary would claim people are afraid to say what they think because of left-wing cancellation on Twitter or that left-wing snowflakes are killing comedy. That would be completely idiotic. Ms Dorries would never suggest that taking down statues of slave owners is the same as wiping away history. That would also be completely idiotic. She finds political attacks thoroughly unpleasant and she thinks you should be kind on social media. She would never criticise a reporter for criticising Boris Johnson. Ostrich anus and privatising Channel 4 though? Sign her up.’

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Time Team revival scheduled for Xmas 2030 TV listing

Renowned tv archaeology series Time Team is to be revived for one episode in a move designed to lift the battered spirits of the nation. The ever popular channel 4 series featured a group of archaeologists headed by comedy front man Tony Robinson using their skills to investigate a site of suspected interest. This particular episode will see the talented team taking their spades to the building site for a new drive-thru McDonalds in Downing Street in the city of Westminster.

Interest in the site first arose when a construction worker found a spectacle case embossed with the initials DC (Specsavers Barnard Castle ) in the rhododendrons in the back garden of what would have been number 10.

Archaeologist Phil Harding takes up takes up the story. “There have been all sorts of rumours about this being the seat of the UK government and bodies buried under the patio for a long time so we thought this would be a good opportunity to entertain the nation and put those silly stories to bed at the same time. I can’t say I’m terribly optimistic that we’ll find much and we have to prepare ourselves for disappointment.. You get a feeling about some places and. from what I’ve seen and heard so far I can’t believe there is going to enough evidence that this was ever an important admin centre - certainly not enough to warrant three days of digging “

To fill out the programme there will be add on features relating to the period when the site was thought to be active. These will include a laboratory sequence when an attempt will be made to carbon date three legendary characters, Jacob Rees Mogg, Nigel Farage. and Boris Johnson. Small slivers which are said to come from the heads of these individuals will be subjected to exhaustive tests.

Tony Robinson thought that viewers would be fascinated to hear the truth about these stalwarts long assumed to represent the best of the British nation. “Stories about individuals like these always arise in times of crisis” Tony said. “ King Arthur in the Dark Ages, Robin Hood in the Middle Ages and Benny Hill in the 1980’s but the findings always tend to be inconclusive. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to discover that neither Jacob, Nigel or Boris ever existed.”

Series producer Jolyon Bubbleworth was ecstatic when he spoke to NB about the programme failing to prove any of the speculation, “That failure will fit in nicely with the current national mood while at the same time helping the Brits feel better about themselves by disproving that such an unprepossessing building and such absurd people could ever have had an important role in the public life of the country” He added "Patriots will be able to hold their heads up high as they queue for their burgers.”

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