Sky wins Easter Week TV contract

The final few days in the life of Jesus Christ and His resurrection will be shown exclusively on Sky this year, it has been announced.

The broadcaster beat off rival bids from Channel 4 and a consortium of the Catholic Church and Amazon Prime, ending over 2000 years of free-to-air coverage of the showcase religious event.

'After our previous unsuccessful forays into religious programming, this really is our second coming', announced Sky's Head of Programmes, Mike McBride.

'We've revamped the traditional Holy Week format, starting a couple of days ago with a reality show called Set Him Free where viewers got to choose whether to release either Jesus or some common robber.

‘Audiences loved Pontius Pilate as host, with regular cutaways to King Herod for his instant reaction on developments', continued McBride.

The traditional quiet period before the Last Supper on Thursday will be replaced with rolling news coverage, and a range of programming tie-ins.

‘The Road to Calvary’ will revisit key moments in Jesus' life, featuring ‘talking head’ insights from Mary Magdalene, Doubting Thomas, and Stephen Mulhern.

‘The Gospel Truth’ will follow four unknown writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as they struggle and complete their first fictional novel, with Richard Osman narrating.

‘Jesus’s death will become a Sky Box Office event, but we’re moving it 9 pm to avoid a clash with the 3pm St Helens v Wigan Rugby League match', explained McBride.

'We're also revamping the rolling away of the tombstone on Easter Sunday. Joseph of Arimathea will now compete with the best of the rest in a series of events to see who will be crowned Jerusalem's Strongest Man'.

Image: Pixabay/geralt

BBC edit out PM being booed so that Nadine Dorries doesn't seem so f*cking useless

In a move tantamount! to deep faking it, the BBC (now pronounced Vuh Vuh Suh) will be removing all of the boos, jeers and shouts of 'wanker' everywhere Boris Johnson turns up.

Tim Davie, Dictator General of the VVS and Other Propaganda clarified, 'Everyone knows 'King Boris' is universally loved and admired. All newsroom reporters, researchers and production staff have been fired and rehired as Photoshop monkeys. They will doctor all photographic images and video footage of Boris to ensure he has smart hair, glistening muscles and a basic command of his faculties.

'Most importantly, we can't allow the proletariat to remain uncertain as to the veracity of commandments made by Her Royal Shyness Nadine Dorries. In future, all things will be re-cut and broadcast to reflect the unimpeachable truth of the Dorries Accuracy Machine.

'To that end, Eminem will be remastered over the top of her hiphop-rap-casts, and Channel 4 will become a wholly owned subsidiary of a 96% privatised BBC 4 which 53% of people believe is a chatty bidet called Lola.'

Photo by Rich Smith on Unsplash

Nadine Dorries’ social media hijacked by far right trolls

New culture secretary Nadine Dorries has apologised for the upset caused by right-wing trolls hijacking her social media accounts and posting hateful content for years.

A spokeswoman said ‘No responsible Culture Secretary would claim people are afraid to say what they think because of left-wing cancellation on Twitter or that left-wing snowflakes are killing comedy. That would be completely idiotic. Ms Dorries would never suggest that taking down statues of slave owners is the same as wiping away history. That would also be completely idiotic. She finds political attacks thoroughly unpleasant and she thinks you should be kind on social media. She would never criticise a reporter for criticising Boris Johnson. Ostrich anus and privatising Channel 4 though? Sign her up.’

Notebook The Internet Connection - Free image on Pixabay

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