British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’

Channel 4 smashes world record for getting interviewees to blub

Channel 4 presenters and broadcasters have been honing their skills during the Paralympics and have perfected the rapid interviewee emotional collapse. Regardless of the circumstances and whether the person being interviewed is elated or suffering extreme distress, Channel 4 producers push their talent to the limits and refuse to cut away until those tears come a-flooding. Their tenacity has earned them a world beating 14 in a row, a total haul of 83 during the month, and a sub-two-second face melt, even accounting for the video link time delay to Japan.

Tear-inducing specialist anchor Cathy Newman has years of experience in getting people to well up, even if there is no apparent reason for them to do so.

'I was speaking live on Channel 4 News to a middle-aged man from Lincoln who had grown the biggest carrot you have ever seen,' she said. 'He seemed in control and showed no overt signs of emotion, but I sensed there was a cry button I could press. I pushed him on the fact that a gardener in Cheshire had just grown a whopping parsnip that made his carrot look pathetic, and then repeatedly hit him with rapid-fire statements about his feeble prowess and obvious inadequacy. He folded like a popped bouncy castle and crumbled into a shoulder-shaking mess. 46 seconds flat. Get in. Cost Krishnan Guru-Murthy a monkey that did.'

Following her success in this field, Newman was put in charge of training the Channel 4 sports journalists on how to get Paralympians bawling within moments.

'It's been a punishing schedule, but Clare Balding mastered the art of picking up on the slightest voice crack. She's a natural. She could pull it off regardless of whether it was an imperious victory or a crushing defeat. Add to that the pressure heaped on athletes that we might spring their families on them via a live link at any moment ... well that meant even the lovely Lee McKenzie managed to get the most emotionally stable Paralympians to bawl like fountains. And no one had to threaten anyone with having Jon Snow shriek "Cry, you bitch!" at them.'

Image: Victoria_Borodinova/Pixabay