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Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"


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Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.


Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."



First published 13 June 2022



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Starmer's Charge of the Light-Weight Brigade


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With a rallying call, like a goose farting in the fog, Field Marshall Starmer summoned his EU counterparts. With a coalition of the whining, he pitched a four point plan, where all four points were 'hope Russia surrenders'. Reading from the back of a fag packet he quoted:


'Half a league, half a league -' As aide whispered something in his ear. 'Really? Six hundred miles to Moscow? Not half a league?' The aide shook his head. Starmer restarted. 'Into the valley of victory, with absolutely zero casualties - What, what is it now?' The aide whispered. 'What do you mean valley of death? Do you know nothing about optics? Don't interrupt. Now where was I? Into the valley of victory rode £6bn for money laundering purposes. Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left...hmm, are you sure this isn't a cover of Stealer's Wheel?'


image from pixabay



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