"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future.
"They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making this threat to the UK electorate: if you want to see your ex-Tory MP alive and well in the House of Commons ever again, you'll text 0800-SAVEMUTTLEY and make a generous donation.
"£20 will buy Lee a pair of knuckle dusters, £30 will buy a muzzle for Rupert Lowe, £40 will buy Nadine a peerage, and £100 will buy Jenrick the Mongrel an ounce of integrity. And I'm also making this warning," continued Farage, grooming the fur of a miserable looking Kruger Spaniel.
"Any other destitute Tory planning to crawl along to the rescue centre that I totally don't run better hurry, hurry, hurry! That's because from 8 May, I'll be closing my doors to all further down and outs. I tell you this: Any Conservative MPs offering to hand over their seats to Reform on 9 May will definitely be turned away.
"And if you believe that, you'll believe anything."
- deskpilot
- Jul 28, 2025
What are the worst things to see on a crowdfunding site - the one's that are so misguided and wrong, and that no-one in their right mind is ever going to give money to? We asked our correspondents for their thoughts – and here they are...
Fundraising for the undeserving
Help out of work celebrities reverse their awful Botox
Give Elon Musk his $288m back (refunding his support for the Trump campaign in 2024)
The re-elect Liz Truss campaign
The Colorado Beetle appreciation society
Lets buy Meghan a damehood, and James Corden a knighthood
I need £100k to win back my gambling debts of £200k
Help fund Prince Andrew's legal costs
Plausible deniability training for tax evaders
Fundraising for pointless things
Return the Mary Rose to the sea-bed
More bat tunnels for HS2
Restart manufacture of black & white telly's
Invent the room darkening light bulb
Expand the network of wasp nests to discourage picnics
Acting lessons for footballers to enable them to feign injury more convincingly
Amplifiers to be fitted to grunting tennis players
Boris Johnson: The Movie
Fundraising for things that sound very risky
Funding to cross-breed the Chihuahua and Saint Bernard
Scuba diving for COPD sufferers
Prophet Muhammed drawing classes
Campaign for even more ultra processed food
Help foreign powers build new and better Covid variants
Fundraising for things that are just weird and alarming
Arse of Boris Johnson, facing France, to be carved into White Cliffs of Dover
Get a comments section stitched onto the end of the Bayeux tapestry.
Provide free hanky's to go with every panky
Volume two of David Cameron's memoirs
Help fund the banning of crowdfunding
Writing credits: contributions from deskpilot, will, sinnick, rowly, FlashArry, midfield diamond, james_doc
Picture credit: Wix AI