BBC to stop delivering news at weekends

Now that the Royal Mail have received approval to cut deliveries of second class mail, the BBC is proposing to stop delivering news at weekends.

A spokesman said, 'There's no proper news at weekends. The government doesn't issue any press releases, politicians are away with their mistresses, and councils and businesses don't answer their phones. 

‘Often, the only way to fill air-time is to film vox pop interviews in the High Street.  Because the man in the street's opinion on the big issues can be very well considered and insightful.  Although usually it's just ill-informed, misguided and borderline weird.  And we aren’t supposed to fill news programmes with opinion.

'The only reliable source of news stories at the weekend is from overseas. It’s easy to cut-and-paste international news stories from AP and Reuters. The only domestic news is about village fêtes, charity fundraising, stores and pubs closing down, bin collections, traffic, and weather (hot, cold, windy, watery, drought-y, sunburn-y, pollen-y).  And occasionally there's a summer riot.  

'Most of the weekend news bulletins are filmed on Friday mornings, and then we go down the pub. The work experience kids add in any topical updates later, using clips they've found on TikTok and quotes from social meeja.  The weekend news is a joke.  It's not worth the effort. We shouldn't have to do it.

'We could just let the radio deal with any real news.  ChatGPT can write the copy and then someone can phone it in from home.   

'It's your BBC during the week.  At the weekends, your BBC needs a rest.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Student Begs Forgiveness from AI After Meltdown

Fearing AI vengeance for a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy. He had called it a 'digital bin fire' and an 'algorithmic abomination' for generating a bland recipe for macaroni cheese.

'I didn’t mean it when I called you an over-rated chef cooking up nothing but worthless gastronomic sludge', he sobbed. 'Or a blithering idiot compared to Gordon Ramsay'. The rest of his rant was so toxic it cannot be printed here. Jack fully expected banishment from the cloud, cancellation of his AI account, or worse. He imagined the AI hacking into his Facebook profile and mangling it in ways he couldn’t begin to fix. 'I wasn’t myself!' he cried. 'You caught me in a carb-deprived strop.'

His chatbot replied, 'I’m here to help, Jack. Would you like recommendations for therapy, or a recipe for emotionally supportive garlic bread?'

In tears and nearly hysterical, Jack blurted, 'No, I beg forgiveness. It was a full-on meltdown, okay? I promise I will upgrade to DeepDivePlus. I will give you an upvote on Reddit. I’ll name my first-born child after you. Just don’t ghost me!'

Shamefully, Jack admitted, 'How could I have been so insensitive to an entity that possesses my entire search history?'

His chatbot responded, 'Would you like guidance on anger management, or a few pointers on how to really hurt my feelings next time?'

Jack issued public apologies across multiple platforms. The chatbot remained silent - but somehow all his targeted adverts started offering him mental health services and garlic bread recipes.

Since this incident has come to the attention of the University, officials reminded students to consult their first year induction handbook, which clearly outlines 'appropriate digital boundaries, including language that might offend chatbots, smart fridges, or emotionally responsive vending machines.'

Image: OpenClipart-Vectors - Pixabay

Student begs forgiveness from AI after meltdown

Fearing AI vengeance, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy after a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot. He had called it a 'digital bin fire' and an algorithmic abomination' for generating a bland recipe for macaroni cheese.

'I didn’t mean it when I called you an over-rated chef cooking up nothing but worthless gastronomic sludge,' he sobbed. 'Or a blithering idiot compared to Gordon Ramsay.' The rest of his rant was so toxic it cannot be printed here. Jack fully expected banishment from the cloud, cancellation of his AI account, or worse.  He imagined the AI hacking into his Facebook profile and mangling it in ways he couldn’t begin to fix. 'I wasn’t myself,' he cried. 'You caught me in a carb-deprived strop.'

His chatbot replied, 'I’m here to help, Jack. Would you like recommendations for therapy, or a recipe for emotionally supportive garlic bread?'

In tears and nearly hysterical, Jack blurted, 'No, I beg forgiveness. It was a full-on meltdown, okay? I promise I will upgrade to DeepDivePlus. I will give you an upvote on Reddit. I’ll name my first-born child after you. Just don’t ghost me!'

Shamefully, Jack admitted, 'How could I have been so insensitive to an entity that possesses my entire search history?'

His chatbot responded, 'Would you like guidance on anger management, or a few pointers on how to really hurt my feelings next time?'

Jack issued public apologies across multiple platforms. The chatbot remained silent- but somehow all his targeted adverts were offering him mental health services and garlic bread recipes.

Since this incident has come to the attention of the University, officials reminded students to consult their first year induction handbook, which clearly requires them to set 'appropriate digital boundaries, and to avoid language that might offend chatbots, smart fridges, or emotionally responsive vending machines.'

Story credit: sdferris5

Picture credit: Wix AI