'We're sick of explaining basic sh*t to Prime Ministers' sigh class of 7-year-olds

Miss Sherwood's class of 6 and 7-year-olds are fed up. This is the third time in two years that they have had to explain to another Prime Minister why it's not a good idea to do that.

'They keep popping round and pestering us,' sighed Chloe Bright of 3C. 'My best friend Millie has had to put up with this stupidity since she was four. They flounce in here like they own the place, but they don't even know the basics. That one with the silly blond hair wasn't even paying attention. He was just sitting there with a perplexed expression on his face. If we didn't tell him why it was not the best move to pick his bottom with his finger and lick it, then the photographers would have had a field day.

'And that nauseating woman... she didn't even understand the fundamentals of macro economics. They should have put her in the special class we are not allowed to talk about.

'Now this new one who is even smaller than Jamie, he's all chirpy and everything and at least pretends like he understands. But when his adult chums say something so dim that it makes you want to repeatedly smash your face on your desk, he doesn't correct them. He just pretends what they said was OK, like he doesn't know that sort of talk will get the rest of us in a whole heap of trouble. Why doesn't he realise that if he doesn't act, they're just going to carry on saying stupider and stupider stuff until we're all toast? If you can't communicate with others in a normal way or even dress yourself properly, then you shouldn't be allowed outside among other people, never mind try to run a country.

'Where do they get them from? Whichever school these numpty-dumpties went to, it should be shut down immediately.'

Image: CDC (@cdc) | Unsplash Photo Community

Woke to Bloke - Parents divorce their 'woke' children and adopt Dave

In a shocking turn of events, a family in a town in the north of England has become the talk of the area after chucking their ‘woke’ kids out on their ear.

Meet the Johnsons, an ordinary family whose lives took an extraordinary turn when they decided to divorce their own children in favour of a bloke down the pub called Dave, due to ideological differences.

Clash of Ideals Tears the Family Apart

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson once shared a picture-perfect family life, but as time went on, the widening chasm between their beliefs and those of their children began to take its toll.

Family dinners, once filled with laughter and love, became battlegrounds of debates over what Mrs Johnson said “was their insistence on being ‘woke’ about everything, really everything including gays and foreigners. We can’t take it any more. We’ll think what we want to think and that’s the end of it”

The situation concluded when children, Chloe (24) and Jake (20) were dispelled from the family home completely and The Johnson’s brought in a lodger, Dave.

The decision that sent shockwaves through the community - they chose to divorce their own children. The announcement left friends, neighbours, and even family members astounded and bewildered.

In an emotionally charged statement, Mr. Johnson shouted, "It was an easy decision. They just started getting on our tits. Good riddance to them. Our lives are far more peaceful now we can just say what we like."

Adopting a Bloke Named Dave

The family's story took a more peculiar turn when the Johnsons decided to fill the void left by their children by adopting Dave the new lodger, a bloke they’d met in their local pub, through the quiz team. Dave who’s in his 40s and is described by locals as, “a lively and boisterous character”, shared views more aligned with the Johnsons'.

Dave told reporters that, “people these days have got it all wrong.” And that, “white middle aged British men were at the bottom of the pile.” He told us that Nigel Farage was “the only man in the country making any sense.”

Nigel Farage has been in the news recently because he was exposed by the BBC as being too poor to have an account with a posh bank and was forced to bank with NatWest. When we asked Dave about this he told us, “Nigel Farage was treated very badly. I feel sorry for him.” Dave suggested starting a ‘fund me’ page so that Nigel can be rich enough again to bank at Coutts.

Children React to the Unthinkable

Chloe and Jake were left heartbroken and stunned by their parents' decision to divorce them. "It's like we don't matter anymore," Chloe expressed tearfully. "We thought parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally."

But amidst the sorrow, the children confessed to feeling some sense of relief. They no longer had to endure what they called “thick shit” from mum and dad.

The Johnsons' decision sent shockwaves through the community, igniting passionate debates about parental responsibilities and the impact of political ideologies on family dynamics. Some people we interviewed in the community were convinced that the whole thing was about sex. One person commented that, “Dave was a pervert.”

Support groups and counselling services emerged, offering help and guidance to Chloe and Jake.

Navigating the New Chapter

The Johnsons are forging ahead with their unorthodox decision. They are determined to redefine their family dynamics in a way that allows them to, “say what they want when they want”.

The tale of the Johnsons serves as a thought-provoking reminder that family relationships can be complex and multifaceted. It stands as an example of the impact political ideologies have on familial bonds, prompting us all to reflect on the importance of open communication, understanding, and empathy in these challenging times.

Written by AlexCrisp

Child Fagans Run Riot in Grantham

Children as Young as 5 Exploit Elderly Pensioners for Crime Spree!

In a harrowing revelation, our investigative team has unearthed a dark and disturbing tale of juvenile delinquency and exploitation. A gang of children, some as young as 5, has been using vulnerable pensioners, some as old as 75, as criminal pawns.

In a reverse Oliver Twist horror scenario; petty robberies, shoplifting sprees, and car thefts were among the heinous acts perpetrated by these pensioner victims at the nefarious whim of their tiny captors.

Our intrepid journalists delved deep into the underbelly of the East Midlands town of Grantham to bring this shocking story to light. Speaking to witnesses and law enforcement, they uncovered a series of criminal acts that left the community in a state of shock and disbelief.

Unwitting Targets of Juvenile Deceit

Among the victims was Mrs. Evelyn Thompson, a frail 72-year-old widow who fell prey to the nasty nippers. "I never thought children could be so wicked," she tearfully recounted. Mrs. Thompson became a victim of their deceit when she was lured into believing that these youngsters were helping her carry groceries home. Instead, they managed to convince her to take the money from the Women’s Institute cake and coffee fund. She said, “they were so convincing.” They told her that they needed the money for school books. After pressurising her to steal the money they waited outside, menacingly circling the W.I> shed on their scooters.

Another victim, Mr. Harold Anderson, 75, was taken aback when he was first befriended by a group of what he thought were helpful youngsters but he was horrified when he was handed a badly written script and forced to go into a local shop and read it out loud. Mr Anderson doesn’t recall exactly what the script said but it along the lines of, “give me all your money or I’ll piss on your vegetables’ he recalls . I felt afraid to not do it. Suddenly they went from sweet and innocent to being terrifying little shits. “The younger ones were the worst,“ he wept.

As news of these appalling crimes came to light, the tight-knit Lincolnshire town sprang into action, showing compassion and care for the victims, rallying around the pensioners, offering support.

Unmasking the Motives Behind the Mayhem

Upper Lip reporters spoke with some of the children involved in this shocking crime spree. And though for legal reasons they can’t be named, their stories painted a bleak picture of too much time on their phones playing Fortnite. When they were asked whether they were from broken homes, or whether there was a lack of parental guidance they laughed and one of them sneered, “Nah man, my dad’s an accountant”. Another kid no older than 7 said “It was so funny making old people do stuff for us.”

Authorities have taken swift action in the wake of these revelations, ensuring that the children are held accountable for their actions. While criminal charges for such young perpetrators are unlikely, in an effort to teach the children the consequences of their actions the parents have taken the drastic measure of grounding them and supervising their activities.

The Local Council told us that they are opening new youth centres which offer mentorship programs and extracurricular activities, like table tennis and yoga, in a hope to divert their attention from crime and offer them positive outlets for their energy.

Influenced by crack and rap

As the town grapples with this unprecedented crisis, it serves as a stark reminder that society must remain vigilant in protecting not only the vulnerable elderly but also the impressionable young from the negative influences of computer games, rap music and the gateway drugs such as crack and vapes. .

There is increasing evidence to suggest that this is not an isolated incident and our team vows to continue investigating and uncovering the truth of these delinquent gangs across the country.

Let this be a wakeup call

Author: AlexCrisp

Image: Annie Spratt (@anniespratt) | Unsplash Photo Community