Labour in favour of Will Smith smacking your children

Rather than mirror Scottish laws, the Labour Party supports chastising children using a Hollywood A-lister, a flick of the wrist and a heart felt apology via their agent. The compromise of outsourcing the smacking, means parents can keep a clear conscience and Mr Smith can keep in work - now the movies have dried up.

The Shadow Health Secretary insisted that getting spanked by Will Smith had never done him any harm and was worth every penny: 'As long as it doesn't leave a mark or lead to anyone losing an Oscar'.

Fall in Covid-Cases Sees Welcome Return of Buy-a-Book-to-Match-Whatever-Fancy-Dress-Still-Fits-Day

As school life returns to normal, the event, which is particularly popular amongst parents, is set for a welcome return. Teachers are encouraging children to peruse bookshops and car boot sales to find any book that has even the most tenuous link to whatever fancy dress they happen to have.

‘There has been a sad decline in children dressing up over the last few years,’ explains Mrs. Butler, a primary school teacher from Tenby. ‘By making a link with something the children see every day, such as a book, we are hoping to attract them back to fancy dress and to build healthy habits for later life.’

Event organisers are encouraging children to think outside the dressing-up box and not just look at traditional and popular fiction books.

‘They don’t just need to go for the tried and tested Harry Potter', said another teacher. 'We are trying to show them how non-fiction books can transform their dressing-up world: get a book on cats and hey presto all you need are some face paints and cardboard ears. If they find a book on sport, they can just wear their PE kit. We had one particularly sage child last year who found a book on the Art of Invisibility... oh.’

Research shows that the event works. Those exposed to the first BABMWFSF Days are now fully-fledged adults. ‘We are seeing far higher incidents of Cosplay participation amongst young adults, who can read, than ever before in history,’ explained a passing geography teacher.

With this year's event taking place today, parents around the country are emerging from 12 hours of blind panic, frantic shopping and questionable sewing skills, after discovering a letter in the bottom of schoolbags yesterday evening informing them of the happy event at their child's school.

Image: Pixabay/AnnieSpratt

Classic Russian Playbook' banned from children's libraries after invasion of Ukraine

Children's libraries across Europe are refusing to stock the 'Classic Russian Playbook' after it became clear that Putin was using it to plan and execute a full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

"The American President and others have been saying for weeks that Putin's invasion of Ukraine was following the 'Classic Russian Playbook", said the head of the UK Librarian's Association today.

"At first, we found it very difficult to believe that Russia would use a children's book as the focus of an invasion plan, but when we checked the contents, we were quite shocked."

Extracts from the book include:

'This is Vladimir.'

'Vladimir is scared.'

'Vladimir likes playing pretend.'

'Vladimir sits at a very, very long table.'

'Vladimir has surrounded a friendly country with tanks and missiles to the north, east and south.'

'Vladimir pretends to support separatist regions as a pretext for invasion.'

The EU's chief of libraries is withdrawing the book immediately as a precaution against 'giving any other kids ideas.'