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China has responded to the UK government's decision to exclude technology developed by the University of Manchester on 'national security grounds'. Professor Win Kin of the Peoples Republic of China, chief liaison with the University of Manchester for the last four years expressed he was 'dead pissed' at the news. He claimed the relationship with the university was 'dead sound, like mint, innit' and he has been surprised that the agreement has 'gone dawn the ginnel' and suggested that the government should meet up with him 'for a brew'. He denied he'd gone native.


The Ambassador for the Peoples Republic suggested that while the loss of potentially multi-billions worth of technology was a disappointment, given the standard of vocabulary demonstrated by Mr Win Kin 'perhaps it's for the best'.



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A Chinese woman resident in the UK has been trying to improperly influence parliamentarians according to an interference warning issued by government.


'What she has been doing is unacceptable,' said a Downing Street source. 'She has followed all of the correct procedures and acted completely appropriately at all times, and that's just not the way we do things around here.'


'What she should have done is conducted herself in a shady, underhand manner and attempted to influence politicians in corrupt ways. She would have been much more successful if she had bribed us or thrown some sort of illegal party.'

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