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BBC'S psychic Chris Mason can read your mind

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"We hired Chris Mason as our political editor because he sees right inside your head," a BBC AI bot with a crystal ball told reporters.


"Let's say the deputy prime minister resigns. You think to yourself: 'that's a bit tricky for Starmer', and you promptly forget you'd ever thought it.


"But then, there'll be a BBC news alert and an article will appear from Chris Mason saying: 'this is a bit tricky for Starner' - helpfully alerting you to what had gone through your mind three hours before, while you were feeding the cat.


Similarly, you saw on the telly Trump sodding off on Airforce One at the end of his state visit and you vaguely mused: 'that went off all right'. Well, Chris Mason then echoed your thoughts to the letter with a typically penetrating piece of journalism which said: 'that went off all right'.


"That's the reason for reading Chris Mason's stuff. He's the best in Britain for telling you what you already know.


"Later this autumn," said the spokes-creep, as yawning reporters started toppling off their seats with boredeom, "keep an eye out for Chris Mason giving us more of his stunningy profound insights into the state of our nation with articles saying 'it's getting a bit nippier' and 'the leaves are falling off the trees'.


Chris Mason's latest masterpiece - 'What I did on my smashing summer holiday with Nige in Birmingham' - is available on BBC News Online.



Kuenssberg and Mason Threesome With Farage Mannequin

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The BBC Current Affairs department was thrown into chaos today when a leaked video seemed to show their former and current political editor engaging in a ménage a trois with a mannequin wearing red trousers and a Barbour Jacket.


During the seven-minute clip where the two worship the effigy and spend an inordinate amount of time kissing its posterior, both are heard to exclaim soft-ball questions like, "Would you stop the boats if you were Prime Minister? Just yes or no, we don't need your plan." , "Uncosted tax breaks that will benefit the wealthy? How can anyone lose?" And, as the recording finished, "No further questions big boy."


Head of BBC news Deborah Turness was quick to dismiss the scandalous film as nothing more than a damp squib. "The most important question to answer and that we will cover at-length," she said while wrapping up her press conference, "is that even though Nigel Farage didn't come first, or indeed at all, what does such an event means for Sir Keir Starmer and his Labour Government."



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