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No mince-spies for Andrew

Updated: Dec 19, 2024


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Prince Andrew has been banned from the Royal Christmas, following his links to Chinese spies - as opposed to his links to sex traffickers, which is more of a Halloween event. An insider confirmed: 'Andrew has said he has cut off ties with the Chinese, but he'll be hungry for more in a hour.'


Andrew still remains in the line of succession, but now sonewhere behind Prince Assad. On his coat of arms is latin motto is 'Persona non grata' and the picture of Jimmy Savile.


He will now be enjoying Christmas Home Alone, although family members have said they would rather he Die Hard. PR wise he is the Nightmare Before Xmas. He has also been warned not to date any more teenage girls - as this is not Love, Actually. How he got away with it before is a Miracle on 34th Street, but being the Queen's favourite means you are immune to prosecution - proving It's A Wonderful Life.



Work productivity now zero, admits everybody


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A summary of things that will be achieved this week would be shorter than a list of Bashar al-Assad's Christmas visitors, it has emerged.


The end now in sight, there's every sign that UK employees have pivoted en masse to the traditional festive phase of simply making tea until the clock runs down.


'I have been refreshing my Insta feed for 4 hours' said teacher Kath Took, who didn't even bother to launch Outlook this morning and has not arrived at lessons. 'I'm hoping to be caught and sent home but my boss has closed her blinds. I'm pretty sure she's drinking in there.'


'I unplugged my phone cord last Friday and pushed it into a satsuma on my desk' admitted IT analyst Rod Flynn. 'No one has called me out, although admittedly they can't reach me through the satsuma. I don't know how long I've been here or what I've been looking at on the Internet, though I'm prepared to soil myself it it means I can leave. Oh, it looks like that's what I've been Googling, actually.'


Christmas 'downtime' costs the British economy a certain amount of money each year, so look it up on Wikipedia or start writing that novel.



Holy family briefed against us, say Mary & Joseph


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A bitter rift has opened up in royal David city as the mother of Jesus accused God of stoking tabloid tittle-tattle. A spokesperson for God was forced to deny claims that the estranged couple are not invited to the coronation of their son, the Messiah.


‘We regret the unfounded allegation that the holy couple are not welcome at births, resurrections and crucifixions. They may attend on condition they sit at the back and don’t try to upstage the main event.’


The accusations of briefing and counter-briefing are featured in the couple’s new book, ‘No room at the Inn’, which is to be serialised in a Netflix documentary this Christmas. The series depicts God as an angry genocidal maniac. In secret footage the inn keeper, Ezekiel Farage, asks Mary and Joseph where they are from. When they answers Galilee he asks again, no – where are you really from? And then claims he has no room. Critics have accused the couple of trying to steal the limelight and of taking bribes from three kings.


The row looks set to escalate, and no one expects it to end for at least another two thousand years.




First published 18 Dec 2022


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