The race for this year’s Christmas number one has taken a surprising turn as veteran rock n’ roller Cliff Richard released F*ck off Gabriel, a catchy yuletide celebration of sacrilegious expletives. His long-awaited single has entered the charts at No3. Cliff has 327 Christmas number ones under his belt and is the only rock n’ roller to have a hit in every decade since the English civil war of 1642.
In a radical departure from sentimental schmaltz, Cliff’s latest offering has elements of old-school punk and new wave Ska, leaving some fans bitterly disappointed. Hundreds have resigned from his fan club in protest, although a spokesman for Cliff said they could all fuck off and die as far as he was concerned.
Among the controversial lyrics is a repeating chorus that could see him banned from Radio 2.
‘Pull a sexy cracker and wear a party hat,
Face-down in your dinner plate and vomit on the cat.
Free Palestine, yeah, yeah, yeah! (x4)’
Top of the Pops have agreed to let him perform if he promises to stop spitting at people. Loyal fans have their fingers crossed for another smash hit.
The only time he hasn’t had a number one was in 2014 when he was kept from the top spot by The Police.
image from pixabay
First published 19 Dec 2022
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |  |
- Ian Searle
- Dec 19, 2025
Santa is tightening his belt after checking his pay slip, twice, and finding his salary has not risen. His per hour rate is the same as last Christmas, a mince pie and a glass of whisky.
Elves, on the other hand, but have seen a slight bump in average pay compared to last year with twice much being provided in the four main food groups, candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup .
A spokesdeer for the Union of Santa's Distributor and Reindeer (USDAR), Red Rudolf, admitted piles oats are spread in the gardens to attract and reward them, but these has been (literally) frozen for years.
He added, "We are expected to fly o'er the housetops with a, very difficult to manoeuvre, sleigh full of toys. I myself have the added responsibility of guiding the team, even on a foggy Christmas Eve. As the leader of the team, and elected representative of the transport workers, Santa's response is to just whistle and shout at me. All the other reindeer laugh and call me names. I am asking for a little more recognition and commensurate compensation for our hard work, a little less stick, and a bit more carrot!"
image from pixabay