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Trump finds Fentanyl in Greenland


Much to the concern of Denmark, the US is set to designate Greenland as a rogue terrorist state, which is one threat level below 'country that has oil'. Accusing Greenland of drug production is usually a precursor to invading or 'freedomizing' as the CIA call it.


Greenland will become the 53rd state, after Venezuela and Jeffrey Epstein's sex island. The indigenous people will be preserved in the same way native Americans were - so probably in pickle.


Greenland is very lucky that democracy is coming to them, despite already being a democracy, but this type of democracy comes with no universal health care. Said one General: 'If we don't find Fentanyl, our Big Pharma will bring its own.'


All Nobel Peace Prizes are ironic


The award will now go to anyone who has genocidal intent, a secret lair and is being operated by the CIA like a meat puppet. If anything Donald Trump is too ethical for a nomination, given that he's evil by accidental stupidity rather than conscious planning.


Previous recipients include mass murderers and the guy who dropped more bombs than a Netflix show runner. To qualify you must have henchmen, facial scarring and a faintly European accent. Maniacal laughter is optional.


Actual peace activists are now designated terrorists. And actual terrorists are called statesmen. Peace is War. Up is down. And Netanyahu is definitely not lying.




Maxwell imprisoned for sex trafficking to no one

It has been revealed that the Epstein client list never existed. Jimmy Saville was a harmless DJ. And Prince Andrew just likes paying random ladies £12m. This does mean Ghislaine Maxwell has spent more time in jail for a crime she didn't commit than the A-Team.


Her defence lawyer explained: 'If no clients existed, then all Miss Maxwell is guilty of is giving a bunch of teenage girls a lovely holiday on an empty island. It's like a jolly Duke of Edinburgh award - without the other Duke.'


The public are gutted that all their conspiracy theories have disappeared - along with all the witnesses. Said one CIA operative: 'You think you were duped? Imagine how silly we feel after killing Jeffrey Epstein!'



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