The White House's box office was deluged by absolutely no one as tickets went on sale for the Trump Yuletide Rant-omime.
"It stars the president acting as himself, speaking incessantly out of the back end of a pantomime horse," explained White House ugly sister Karoline Leavitt.
"The play opens with the humble heroine reading one of his Truth Social rants: 'Too bad failing Cinderella can't come to the White House Ballroom. Dresses in rags. No class. Complete loser.'
"But as pathetic Cinders weeps bitter tears over this extremely statesman-like jibe," continued the spokes-witch Leavitt, "her fairy godmother - Archbishop Sarah Mulhally of Canterbury - appears.
"'You will go to the ballroom, Cinderella,' says Britain’s new sky pilot in chief, 'and meet every one of the President's wonderful friends - none of whom ever set foot on Epstein's paedo island.
"'And you'll meet Prince Charmless - except he's not a prince any more. He's just a sodding embarrassment.'
"But the hapless Cinders stays at the ball too long, gets turned into Liz Truss and wilts into nothingness in a vegetable rack.
"So she turns out exactly the way our great leader predicted," crowed the White House spokes-curse. 'Failing. No class'. Just like all of us and our despicable show."