Man converting shed to beach hut in readiness for rising sea levels

With the threat of rising sea levels and further coastal erosion, the map of the UK could look significantly different in twenty years’ time. A fact that has not escaped the attention of Peterborough resident, Keith Otley who is already taking steps to ensure he doesn’t miss out on the windfall when his home city becomes a seaside resort, despite the fact it is currently some 37 miles from the coast.

“It will happen”, he said confidently, as he painted his garden shed in blue and white stripes. “Forget COP26 and all that nonsense. Promises about as reliable as a Cairngorms snow pile. The sea is coming to Peterborough and I’m putting my beach towels down now.” Mr Otley has already invested in a fat fryer so his wife can perfect battered cod, or whatever plastic substitute will be left in the sea, and bought a donkey for the kiddies.

Asked what would happen if the incoming waters continued on through Peterborough, he pointed to a submarine in his back garden. “Unwanted French job. Got it cheap on Ebay. If this new venture goes under then I guess we’ll have to.”

Image: 27707 | Pixabay

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First published 6 Nov 2021

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Harrods Emergency Supply Hamper will be this years best selling Christmas Present

As the government encourage us to keep at least 3 days supplies stashed away in case of climate/ cyber/ pandemic/civil disorder/ fuel shortage issues in the near future the leading retailers are scrambling to make their hampers the best that you can buy this Christmas. Harrods lead the way with a hamper which is literally fit for royalty.

The Harrods 'Emergency Luxury Box' has everything a well to do family would need to get through a major crisis.

Contents:

• 1 tin of braised Greenland Reindeer in red wine

• 1 tin of Yemeni sun dried tomatoes

• 1 jar of Palestinian black olives,

• 5kg of Ukrainian flour and equipment for making sourdough

• 1 pack of Nepalese brown rice

• 1 litre of Venezuelan cooking oil

• A pack of Mexican Tortillas infused with chinchilla oil

• Russian caviar in champagne marinade

• Two 10 litre bottles of Himalayan glacier meltwater

• One large can of evaporated yak milk

• 4 pack of Swiss Osprey breast fillets

• 1kg of sealion milk mozzarella

• 2 kg Eritrean truffles

The additional 'Capitalism Collapse' pack is also available at extra cost (naturally) and includes:

• A pack of 20 whale blubber candles with silver candlestick

• One canister of Iranian Butane gas

• 1 ton of Indonesian mahogany rosewood fire logs

• 4 pre-filled medical grade hypodermic syringes (1 Ozempic , 2 Botox, 1 morphine)

• 2 bottles of Chateau Musk soixante neuf sec

• One bottle of Trump Orange, tanning lotion

• 2 packs of Tena Lady (heavy duty)

• 2 GB data card for Giff Gaff mobile network

• One Smith and Wesson 45 mm hand gun

• 24 bullets

Image: CestasdeNavidad_store - Pixabay

El Beaño to cause havoc in UK

The UK is facing an unprecedented weather event involving catapults, stink bombs and banana skins.

Climatologists made the announcement after a group of boys who call themselves the Bash Street Kids were discovered floating on driftwood in the Pacific Ocean, together with a selection of catapults, two boxes of stink bombs and a wild dog who answers to the name ‘Gnasher’

The discovery, by scientists working on climate change scenarios, confirms what some have long suspected: the UK is facing an aggressive El Beaño that will threaten coastlines and infrastructure and even reach central London.

The BBC’s Climate Change Editor, Justin Rowlatt, said: “The El Beaño developing over the Pacific Ocean is likely to be the strongest for more than a century and make 2027 another record-breaking year for heat. Teachers already report an increase in misbehaviour among pupils as young bodies try to cope with the wild variations in weather.”

Out on the driftwood the group’s unofficial leader Dennis the Menace, dressed in a red-and-black striped jumper, gives an interview with a passing Disney cruise ship. Snow White and the children wave. “Got any sweets Miss?” Dennis cries. “Coo it’s hot. Some lollies would be totally blam. And a bone for Gnasher if you’ve got one.”

But the interview is cut short by Gnasher’s barking. A dark line on the horizon has made the dog’s hair stand on end. “Yikes! It’s a tsunami!” Dennis screams. “We did it in Geography. Oh no! The children!!”

“I’m on it!” yells a boy on the wreckage. He has a quiff that swishes as he speeds away. It’s Billy Whizz! With Bolt-like speed, Billy charges to the horizon and uses his quiff – don’t ask how – to direct the wave away from the ship.

And that, children, is why you must always brush your hair before you have breakfast.

image by Grok

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