Boris Johnson recently attended a COBRA meeting that resolved where cabinet meetings fall on the party/work meeting spectrum. With a nation waiting expectantly, COBRA has apparently moved these meetings into the BYOB category, as they are 50% student house party and 50% social night at the bowls club.
To celebrate, Prime Minister Boris Johnson reached under his chair and pulled out a plastic bag containing a 24 pack of own-brand supermarket lager. However, controversy may be brewing as reports suggest he was 5 or 6 cans deep before the judgement was official. Jacob Rees Mogg brought a bottle of Tia Maria – swiped from nanny’s cabinet – and hoped no one would notice. Liz Truss brought some shoplifted Estonian vodka and some pork scratchings from some pork markets. Michael Gove brought a crate of alcopops. Dominic Raab talked about his homebrew for so long no one could remember asking him about it. Priti Patel only had time to pick up a bottle from home – the ‘tears of her enemies’ December 2021 vintage.
Publican Tara Taylor said, ‘No lockdown means I can’t get compensation, and everyone else has cancelled. I’d love to channel Barbara Windsor and tell all these Tories to get outta my pub, but in reality, I need them in my pub.’