Trump eager to take over running of Venezuela's dictatorship

'President Trump is really looking forward to misgoverning another country,' said a spokes-anschluss for the White House.

'Venezuela was already a cruel and repressive dictatorship run for the ruler's benefit, so in many ways his work there is done.

'All that remains is to rebrand the presidential palace as the 'Trump Caracas' and call the capital's grimmest shanty town 'Trump Favela', and then the President will lose interest and give up.

'But if that liberal snowflake opposition leader Maria Corina Machado ever dares return to Venezuela from Norway, he'll jail her for beating him to the Nobel Peace Prize and blame Obama.

'Why does Trump want to be the autocratic ruler of every country he can annex?' continued the spokes-camp guard, in answer to a question from Colditz News Network.

'We believe it's because he never had a train set as a kid and since then, he's wanted to be the Fat Controller of everything he can lay his tiny fingers on - women and countries.'

A statement from the nonsensically miffed Nicolas Maduro said 'I thought dictatorship and election-rigging, crude oil and cocaine were things Trump and I both loved. The ex-President of Honduras just got a pardon for the same thing that I'm clearly going to be Epstein-ed for. If Trump wanted a play date, why didn't he just ask.'

Image: Leonardo Guillen (@leoguillen) | Unsplash Photo Community

A fop gets detained at Colombian customs

Customs seize taramasalata hidden in cocaine

Customs officials have seized a consignment of illegal fishy Greek dip, smuggled into the UK to alleviate a middle-class drought.

Officials searching a yacht off the coast of Sussex today discovered Britain’s biggest haul of fifty kilos of illegal stinky pink goo, cleverly hidden inside innocent packages of high-grade cocaine weighing several tonnes.

Customs Official, Martin Smith, explained: 'We were alerted to the scarcity of the off-white, pongy mush in supermarkets, and that decent families all over the South East entertaining this weekend would be without their essential fish-egg gloop. Middle-class diners will pay a high price for this cod-traband, but not too much, because they’re notoriously tight as cramp.

'We have been relentless in the pursuit of smugglers, and we knew we’d struck gold on boarding when our sniffer dogs began retching and trying to hold their noses.

'This faux roe hitting affluent tree-lined avenues would have been culinary suicide for the supplier and social exclusion for its users, as samples analysed from the haul were found to be nothing more than anchovy purée mixed with Yakult.

'And obviously, we’re concerned about the Class A cocaine. Its ability to preserve fresh food is entirely unproven.'

Image: "Taramasalata" by katsommers is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.