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The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs.


Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution.  Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper at least.  Exceptional students may also have their driving tests taken for them, and in some cases get to go on all-expenses-paid school trips to Colombia or Mexico.


‘Our suspicions were aroused by some excellent academic achievements at Academy schools in deprived areas,’ said a spokesman, who wanted to remain anonymous. 'And these schools also had excellent results in getting students into jobs.


‘We had asked our experts were looking for examples of high performing schools, so that they could identify best practice and share it with other schools.  Unfortunately, one after another, these experts disappeared and have not been heard of since.  We are particularly concerned about one professional who was reviewing some excellent performance in Building and Construction exams.  When we tried to track him down, the school told us that there was no concrete evidence that he’d been abducted. and that our fears were ‘without foundation’.


The Department is currently considering whether to close down the schools that are involved, or – given the excellent exam results– to roll out the model more widely.


image from Google Gemini


'The plan to capture President Maduro of Venezuela and take over the country's government came to President Trump one morning after Christmas, when he was eating his usual breakfast of Acid Puffs and spotted a cool competition on the packet,' a federal spokes-gruppenfuhrer told the White House press corps.

'It said that the first autocrat to invade the whole set of South America countries could claim the grand prize: a day-glow orange garden parasol.


'The President said that the parasol would 'look great' on the concrete terrace he's built on top of the White House rose garden. Plus, we think it would really match his bizarre skin tone.


'Having collected his token for Venezuela, he's only got Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Paraguay, Peru, Suriname and Uruguay to go.


'The problem President Trump is currently grappling with is completing this sentence in 20 words: 'I want to bomb foreign countries and topple their regimes because... '


'So far, he's scrawled the words 'narco-terrorist' 90 times on the Acid Puffs box with a Sharpie, but we don't think that'll fly with the competition judges.


'What we'd say is that this daring raid by Delta Force into Maduro's house proves that while President Trump chickened out of serving in Vietnam, claiming some obscure problem with his feet, he can be really brave when it comes to risking other people's lives.'


At press time, Donald Trump was talking excitedly with Putin on the phone about the tremendous offer he'd seen on a packet of Nasties, which said that the first Russian dictator to invade all three Baltic Republics, plus Finland and Sweden, could win himself a borsht steamer.


Image: Wix AI

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