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'I can't eat any more' enters its fifth day

The Turkey (or Nut Roast) meal went down a storm, the Turkey butties after seven, also, but not so much the Nut Roast butties.  The Boxing Day curry was hailed an amazing meal, even from the Nut Roast corner.


But on awakening on DAB (Day after Boxing) Day, the population shunned breakfast, nibbled on a mince pie and sipped orange juice all day.  Same for the next day, with fridge doors being opened, a mountain of fayre stuffed in Tupperware boxes reviewed and the door being closed silently.


Everybody is stuffed.


It is estimated that supermarkets really don't need to open for several days after Christmas Day as virtually nobody can face any food.  A consortium that represents all the popular supermarkets as well as ASDA and Tesco stated, 'we're quite relaxed about the situation.  Natural bodily functions will rebalance the buying population and on New Year's Eve they'll descend on us, spending 230% of their monthly disposable income on food and booze.  Mostly booze, to be fair, and most of the food will end up in the food waste bins.


'Or as pavement pizzas which includes the booze,' the consortium stated.  'Happy New Year'.



Are Farage’s superhero duties interfering with the day job?


It’s the curse of every superhero’s life: fighting crime in secret is a full-time job. Peter Parker fell behind with his studies. Clark Kent faced the sack on a regular basis. Nigel Farage’s absences from Clacton and the House of Commons might cost him the next election. Lucky for him his job has zero penalties for goofing off.


We don’t know which crimes he’s preventing, or which damsels he’s rescuing from distress. We don’t even know what his costume looks like – presumably it’s a flag of some sort. Hammer and sickle, possibly.


What we do know is that Nigel isn’t where he’s supposed to be – which can only mean one thing. He’s fighting crime. Rescuing kittens from blazing rooftops. Fighting pitched battles with supervillains. If you need him, Nigel will be there*. Just project a silhouette of Mein Kampf into the night sky and The Incredible Sulk will be by your side.



*Offer not available in Clacton or other depressing places.



Eton to offer ‘Muggle Studies’ courses




Following an inspection by the Ministry of Magic, Eton College is to offer intensive training in Muggle Studies to prepare the next generation of Prime Ministers.


'Leadership in the twenty first century requires a degree of empathy with ordinary people' a spokesman told us. 'Who knew? It came as a massive surprise. We’ve been following the eighteenth century syllabus, which possibly explains why we keep sending gunboats to "deal with" refugees.'


'Pupils will learn about something called a "gas bill" and an "overdraft".'


'Oh, that one has caused some scratching of heads,' chuckled the spokesman. 'It’s a pretty advanced mathematical concept when you drill into it. You spend money you don’t have, but then instead of just getting more to plug the gap you increase the amount which you don’t have, until you reach a theoretical point where strangers are allowed to walk in and steal your possessions. Fascinating stuff.'


Rupert Fortescue-Smythe is prepping for his Grade 3 Northerner exam. 'I’m ok with the set texts and the technical studies – I can swear, walk like a Mancunian and quote passages from The Royle Family – but it’s the sight-reading I struggle with. Phrases like "eckerslike" or "youvegorrabekiddin" just don’t trip off the tongue. I’ve been practising with the staff. I really want to excel in this, so I can buy my own Northern town one day and really blend in.'


Wealthy families have been buying up chalets (terraced houses) in Liverpool so their offspring can cram for their Grade exams. They’re cheaper than a decent cello, though they don’t hold their value as well.


'I had to get on a bus yesterday,' said Fortescue-Smythe. 'It’s a magical conveyance. Buses can only go on their approved routes – you can’t just tell the driver to nip to Fortnum’s or whatever – and they smell funny because they have old people in them. A total stranger called me "love", it was amazing.'


The first empathic Prime Ministers will roll off the production line in 2024, just in time for the General Election.



First published 28 Dec 2022


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