Lib Dem conference 'now needs a second trestle table'

At their party conference, Liberal Democrats have been working out the implications of a post-Tory electoral landscape - including electoral relevance.

Lib Dem volunteer Amy Armstrong said, 'As Keir Starmer is basically a compassionate Conservative these days, the Liberal Democrats are the furthest left of all mainstream parties. We've got a £5bn-a-year care free social plan, making Ed Davey a whimsical Che Guevara.'

'What if we actually get lots of MPs? It means we might need to pay the restaurant a deposit for our Christmas meal. If we organise a nice day out sailing, we're gonna need a bigger boat.'

'If we go mainstream, will our hardcore fans prefer our early stuff? So much admin. I almost preferred it when we were shit. Hopefully we don't Nick Clegg it up again.'

'Shuggerly fut’ controversy rages at Scat Singers’ Conference

Although ‘shim shim shakoochy’ and ‘vup vup kecharlie’ were both found to be acceptable new phrases by the Scat Singers' Conference annually held in Chattanooga (booga booga) last week, there were ugly-bugly disagreements over both the provenance and the value of ‘Bruggerly-But’ and it’s assonant counterparts, including ‘Wuggerly-Fut’ and ‘Duggerly-chut’.

After the singing of the traditional anthem, King of the Swingers, with Scatters solemnly swearing allegiance to ‘Bomp Bop Arony’ and a video link featuring Glen Hoddle for the customary ‘Hoddle Oddle Oddle’, the conference, presided over by chairperson Charles ‘Rhubarb, a-Boobarb’ Smith got under way.

In the Ella Fitzgerald memorial lecture the values of improvising round ‘scroopy toop booty’ while carefully avoiding ‘booby’ and ‘looby’ were extolled and there was a growling workshop led my Tim Waaah-Caaah–Baa Baah-Baah, emphasising mucus.

The Teddy Treddy Ted-talk was given by none other than Brother ‘Other’ Huther, who explained to the uninitiated that far from being improvised gobbledy-goop googamafloop, scat is actually the traditional language of the lost Ronka-Bonk-Bonker tribe, whose resonant meanings have faded in the mists of time and been left in a notebook on a train. Only new scat vocalisations like ‘himba, bachimba’ and the much loved ‘ooh ooh, ma booh-booh’ could be admitted on the basis they sounded authentic in the heat of the moment.

However, ‘Wuggerly But’ and ‘spit-knee ca-joe-nut’ were disallowed despite the threat of legal action by their sponsors and a slow hand clap-a-chat-back. There was no decision reached on the proposal of a Ramadan-a ding-dong, or a Hanukah-harmonica.

The conference closed with the traditional drinks and dinner social event, renamed the Shoobie Doobie Do.

In other news, the annual Italian sign language conference has had to be abandoned yet again after 23 injuries and one death.

2022 World Homeopathy Conference declared "most powerful ever" as no-one turns up

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