Frozen pensioners to be cryogenically preserved

The government has offered new hope to elderly people found dead in their Arctically-heated flats. Labour promises to keep them frozen until such time as they can be revived and resume their lives in a world where climate change has made winter a thing of the past.

'Pensioners should see this as an opportunity. Many are living in conditions ideal for sub-zero preservation', says a government spokesperson. 'From there they can be moved to a cryogenic storage facility to free up space for new tenants'. People going blue with the cold can take comfort in the fact that it could be the first step to a new life in the 22nd century.

However, Tory critics are acccusing the government of 'stockpiling future Labour voters' at taxpayers' expense. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes the measure: 'I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong century and I wouldn't wish it on anybody'.

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Bitter rivalries in futile leadership race

The race to lead the British Paperclip Association is hotting up. Four candidates are slugging it out to win the leadership contest, to the considerable disinterest of all concerned.

A spokesman explained: 'British paperclips used to be exported to the four corners of the world. They represented British inventiveness, tenacity and pluck. They conquered every country they went to. But that was long ago; over the years we have been forced to retreat. Other countries invented staples and treasury tags. We were standing still in a stationery world.

'We need a new leader who can bring back the glory days for us. But that looks like an impossible mission.

'We have four candidates who aspire to lead us, all as mad as a box of frogs. There's talk of banning sellotape, restricting the movement of foreign paperclips, of new laws to increase paperclip use by the working classes, and withdrawing from the World Stationery Alliance. There's talk of suing Microsoft for royalties over their digital assistant, Clippy. It all seems pretty extreme and pretty irrelevant. All the candidates need a good clip round the ear.

'The British Stationery Association is laughing at us. They get all the media attention, and they get all our freebies now. Bastards.

'Young people are rebelling against paperclips and all they stand for. They all want jobs in right-on unionised third sector social media start ups. They don't aspire to traditional private sector manufacturing jobs any more. Our leadership candidates aren't young and dynamic. They are old and stale and doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

'It's disappointing that the best leadership candidates we've got are dinosaurs and weirdos. We needed the crème de la crème, not the crumb de la crumb. The candidates are ripping into each other, pouncing on mistakes and trying to clip each other round the ear. Camera crews follow them round, making videos that nobody watches. It is all very sad.

The British Paperclip Association used to be respected – now it's just a clip joint.'

Image: AlexanderStein - Pixabay

Box of Frogs hiding in Kemi Badenoch suit

The Tory Party leadership campaign was thrown into turmoil, as it was revealed one of the candidates was really a collection of hopping-mad amphibians. Happily spouting bizarre policies like reducing maternity pay or new mothers spawning in ponds, the frogs remained undetected, hiding among an equally insane collection of candidates.

The life-sized Kemi suit leapt about the stage, demanding civil servants be imprisoned and the finest flies to eat. She insisted she would make a great leader, when not hibernating, and would more plausible than Liz Truss - which is objectively true.

Asked if he thought he was less insane, Robert Jenrick replied 'Ribbit!'

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