Tories will solve housing crisis by enforced marriage

In the absence of any other policies, the Conservative Party has jumped on an idea that came up when Nadine Dorries visited a singles bar in Liverpool, ostensibly for research purposes; and discovered that 32.7% of the Liverpool population were there in the hope of finding a partner.

After telling a bachelor spad he ought to 'ger yerself up there', the point was raised that all these singletons are occupying homes that two people could probably inhabit, so the notion of compulsory marriage was developed and may appear in the Conservative Party Manifesto.

Willian Nomates, the bachelor chairman of the Godalming Conservative Association told Newsbiscuit he thought the idea was an excellent one and said he is looking forward to the day he will have someone accompany him to the club’s dinner and dances, hoping his enforced partner will be happy going Dutch.

A number of Tory MPs are unhappy about the idea though, as it would lead to a reduction in their rental income.

Image: Newsbiscuit

Scalextric range of Battlebus vehicles in high demand

Hamleys are reporting record queues as children and their dads hope Christmas will come early for them if they can get their hands on a set of Scalextric battlebuses to bring some excitement into what promises to be a somewhat mediocre election campaign.

We sent a work experience reporter to Hamleys flagship Regent Street store to check out how the battlebuses perform on the test track the store had set up. He told us that everyone wanted to play with the red Labour one, because it was bound to win, that the blue Tory one moved at the speed of a hearse and that nobody could work out why the satanic dark Reform UK one would only go backwards.

The orange Lib Dem bus had a tendency to change track all the time and the Green Party was represented by a group of protesters placed at random positions on the track to slow the race down.

A spokesbrat for ToyszoWus told Newsbiscuit of their disappointment that Scalextric hadn’t introduced the battlebus range before they went bust as it may have saved them.

Image from pixabay

Half a mannequin, two ducks, and a peg: 190 candidates short, Tory vetting gets desperate

Announcing a General Election, you'd think a government might have planned to have enough Generals in place. Not this one. With just a couple of weeks until the application deadline, the Conservatives are 190 candidates short in constituencies all over the UK.

In a last minute mad panic, vetting of candidates has slipped to a new low. One seat in Surrey Heath will literally be challenged by a seat. And not even a good one like a Recaro, just a rusty-legged, wonky, battered, old plastic village hall seat. With distasteful staining on it so grim, not even a mangy pigeon with diarrhoea would perch on it.

Another candidate in the Home Counties will be a clothes peg, and a broken compass with a constant spinning needle will be the Conservative choice in South Northamptonshire.

Not just one, but two ducks will challenge a flock of 100 feral chickens currently running the Norfolk village of Snettisham. And some dangerous air turbulence has been put forward as a candidate in the West Midlands. The main thinking being that at least it is grabbing some news headlines at the moment and voters might have heard of it.

One London borough will have the choice of half a contorted mannequin as their Tory MP. Intrigued, some voters are asking 'which half?'

And a bag of hangers will contest the Hartlepool election, but is still expected to win, given local appetite for bringing back the death penalty.

In perhaps the worst case of candidate vetting, residents in Somerset will be presented with the option of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Picture credit: Wix AI