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Kemi Badenoch vows not to make pact with Reform UK until she does


Amidst calls from several members that the Conservative Party should consider merging with Reform UK to reclaim lost voters, Kemi Badenoch has stated 'I am in no way considering nor ever will consider making a deal with Nigel Farage, until I inevitably do'


In response to the speculation that the Tories, who are suffering badly in the polls, would inevitably end up try to make a pact with Reform UK. Badenoch told the Daily Express (which she recently noted is her preferred method of communication) that this is not the case until it is.


'The Conservatives are struggling right now, absolutely' she stated in the front-page splash 'but we've still got four years to try and regain the confidence of our voters and the public, so there's absolutely no need for us to go cap in hand to Farage, who I personally think is a loud-mouth reactionary. That is, of course, until we fail miserably to regain the confidence of our voters and I decide we've got no choice and do go to Farage, who by then I'll have decided is speaks a lot of common sense'


Deputy Leader Robert Jenrick, who supported a potential coalition until Badenoch ordered him not to make such idiotic statements until she was saying them too, commented 'Kemi is a bold, determined leader who has made a promise that is set in stone, and it'll stay that way until she decides to smash that stone with a metaphorical hammer and carve a new promise totally going against the one she originally carved which is now lying in pieces on the floor which the cleaner can take care of afterwards. If Kemi says there's going to be no coalition then they'll be no coalition, that's a guarantee... just like she recently guaranteed me that if she does merge the parties even though she's promised she definitely won't then Nigel Farage won't take my job, unless he does. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, should I be worried?'


Sir Keir Starmer has also weighed in, claiming that a Conservative-Reform coalition would be an 'absolute disaster for the UK, maybe even more than the one that's in charge right now'.


Image: Newsbiscuit archive

Predictable local government election results



As the local government elections approach, the outcome of which which had been considered uncertain, has now suddenly become much more predictable.


With Labour currently almost as unpopular as the Tories were before the last general election, no-one was going to vote for them or the Tories, and no-one knew how the re-allocated votes were likely to be re-distributed among the rag-bag of various 'also-ran' parties,


These include Scots Gnats, Reform, New Reform, Real Reform, the Original Reform, Continuity Reform, Reformed Reform, Reform II, the Return of Reform (that's a separate party for each of their current MPs), the Democratic Liberal (or whatever they're called nowadays) party, the Monster Raving Loony Party, the Mildly Deranged Loony Party, the More Moderately-Sized Loony Party, the Green Party, the Light Green Party, the Dark Green Party, the British Racing Green Party, the Pink Party, the Spotted Party, the Striped Party and the British National We're-Not-Fascists, We-Just-Hate-Everyone party.


However, things are much clearer now, following the recent establishment of two new parties, which are likely to sweep up most of the votes.  These are the None-of-the-Above Party, and the We're-not-the-Tories-and-neither-are-we-the-Labour-Party-Either Party.  The only remaining uncertainty is which of these will massacre the other.




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