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Tory charm offensive '50% successful' claims spokesman


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'We've been working on a long-game strategy, building a charm offensive,' said a Conservative spokesman today.  'Lee Anderson, obviously was our secret weapon,' he said to surprised journalists.  'Everyone agrees he's a weapon, so that's halfway there,' he added.  'Victoria Atkins, obviously is a new secret weapon, replacing a long Conservative tradition of fielding weapons as Health Secretary.  We think Gillian Keegan has demonstrated enough natural weaponry to justify being seconded to the MoD for weapon trials,' he crowed.


'So, our charm offensive is well on the way to 50% success,' he said.  'Practically everyone considers us offensive, we've just got to try and work out how to bring charm to the table,' he added.


Image: Newsbiscuit

Prime Minister to change name to "Rizz Sunak" to court young voters

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The Prime Minister came out swinging today when he announced his intention to be known as "Rizz Sunak" for the rest of his administration.



"Call me Rizz, yeah?" said Mr Sunak at a press conference, sparking memories of former PM David "Call Me Dave" Cameron, now a cabinet member. He went on, "The old dishy Rishi is gone, Rizz is here now and he's going to Rizz up this cabinet. Who's with me, Fam?"



A confused press corps looked confused and slightly alarmed as Mr Sunak appeared to be wearing an enormous hoody with the words "Toriez 4 life" on it; red adidas tracksuit bottoms; Blue Nike Air Force ones; and, perhaps most bafflingly, a beanie emblazoned with the Rwandan map.



After taking questions and answering in a bewildering new accent, somewhere in between Eton and East Ham, Mr Sunak said he was leaving to be with his Cabi-fam such as Dowdz (Oliver Dowden), Shappsy (Grant Shapps) and M-Govs (Michael Gove) pointing out that the latter knows where to get the good stuff.


Conservatives announce new rules to form a protective ring around immigrant health and care workers

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In a chilling and perhaps portentous reminder, Home Secretary James Cleverly announced a 5 point plan to form a "protective ring" around immigrant health and care workers.



On announcing the measures he told the press conference that he would like cut annual immigration figures by 300,000 and stepping closer to the microphone said, "by any means necessary".



The measures are detailed as:


  • Ban health and care workers bringing family dependants, personal affects, memories, clothes, medical needs, aspirations to citizenship and shifty looks to the UK.

  • End companies being able to pay workers 20% less than the going rate for jobs on a shortage occupation list and insist they pay them 80% less and make them sleep onsite in what Mr Cleverly calls "Houses of Work". They will not be able to leave these houses until they have paid into the national coffers for 17 years.

  • Increase the annual charge foreign workers pay to use the NHS from £624 to £100,035 with a 60% surcharge going to national interests (The Conservative Party).

  • Raise the minimum income for family visas to £382,700 from £26,200, from next spring, all applicants will be assigned a cabinet member to work with on VIP, no question asked Government supply deals.

  • Ask the government's migration adviser to review the graduate visa route to "prevent foreigners learning too much".


Mr Cleverly has vowed to "do what is required of me by The Telegraph and The Mail" to bring down net migration and to fan the flames of the culture war.


Opposition leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has declined to comment until he hears what most people are saying.


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