Amber alert issued as Johnson rut approaches

Experienced Boris-watchers have expressed concerns that this years rut may be 'devastating'. The ex-PM, ex-MP finds himself untrammelled by the burdens of office, and will need an outlet for his considerable energies as summer approaches.

'Relieved of maintaining the web of lies to his Party, Westminster, and the public in general it is likely he will revert to a more basic demonstration of his prowess' confided Jim Backshaw, Emeritus Professor of Pfeffelology at the University of Staines, 'No female with a pulse within a five mile radius will be safe from his attentions'

The professor also concluded that these urges will be further fuelled by his need to regain status.

'The Big Beast has been ousted as alpha-male, and will seek means to redress this - we can expect some sort of display of fecundity, such as frantic hooted challenges and ritual masturbation, as he attempts to re-establish his dominance of Downing Street'.

Whilst privately admitting that such a display would be 'awesome and magnificent', the professor did admit that this behaviour could escalate and become a danger to the public.

'If this does become the case, regretfully we may need to sedate and neuter him as a safety measure. A former colleague has already stepped forward and asked if she can handle the scalpel'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Policies to be redacted from Party manifestos

‘We want people to be able to make their decision unencumbered by anything too practical,’ said Kate Jones of the Politics Institute. ‘And anyway – who cares?’

Politicians for both Parties welcomed the move. ‘Thank Christ for that,’ said one Labour MP. ‘I thought we were going to have to come up with ideas.' Conservatives were equally positive: ‘Well, the few policies we’ve come up with so far have gone down about as well as a turd in a swimming pool. Which was, actually, one of our policy ideas.'

Other political parties are rumoured to exist, some of them much heavier on policy and lighter on tribalism than the main parties – but that’s probably why you haven’t heard of them.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/jarmoluk-143740/

Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.

‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’

Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.

Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.

Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.

Image: unsplash/Patrick Tomasso