List of projects Reeves will axe to plug budget black hole announced

The chancellor is set to announce immediate cuts worth billions of pounds, aimed at plugging a £20bn black hole in the finances, when she addresses Parliament on Monday. These include:

1. The Eton Mess Memorial Museum, set up by the Conservatives to celebrate the country's favourite dessert.

2. The Tunnel under Boris Johnson, planned to relieve pressure on the National Monument, is one of the infrastructure projects that could be halted to save money.

3. The Rwanda Migration scheme could be adapted to send Tory MPs who lost their seats for a few weeks break on Michelle Mone's Mediterranean yacht before they have to find new jobs.

4. Rishi Sunak's swimming pool will be turned into a new reservoir to provide clean drinking water to the whole country.

The Conservative Party said the state of the public finances was clear before the election. This is at least one thing on which everyone agrees.

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Cuts to 252 Tory MPs was only austerity Britain needed

Ousting 252 Conservative MPs from their positions was the only economic cut Britain needed to make.

Productivity is up immediately due to layabout Rees-Moggs now being required to 'work' from home. And without Thick Lizzy tapping off from the collective whiskey jar for herself, there are suddenly pretty pennies for every Jenny.

'Funding four Grant Shapps was a major drain to the UK economy,' said Professor Lisa Day from the Institute of Economic Monogamy. 'It seems like such an obvious cut to make now. And parliamentary tractor porn costs are right down. The only sector where I'm still hesitant to be optimistic is the Matt Hancock pub landlord industry. I don't know how it's going to survive without VIP lane assistance from the taxpayer.'

'To boost growth, I would recommend a further reduction of Sunaks. And to properly fund the NHS? A good seeing to of sloppy, wet Hunts.'

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Conservative MPs to get special protected status

With the Conservative party looking at an extinction level event in early July, scientists have drawn up plans to save the species from disappearing entirely, although nobody can explain why.

'We are looking at their natural habitat and feeding methods for starters,' said one scientist. 'They appear to be naturally predatory, especially on social media, and hunt in packs,' he added. 'The plan is to round up stray Tories on the 5th July and place them in special enclosures,' he said, noting that Wormwood Scrubs and Strangeways were two such enclosures.

'Other gaols are available,' he added.

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