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Panorama releases more dodgy Trump clips


The BBC’s Panorama programme announced today it has some more clips of President Trump saying awful things.


The clips appear to show Trump admitting the moon landings were faked, confessing to being the Boston Strangler, encouraging John Wilkes-Booth to assassinate Abraham Lincoln and telling the residents of Pompeii not to worry as 'Vesuvius always makes noises like that.'


However, critics have pointed out that the footage seems very jerky, suggesting these are different bits of film crudely spliced together - an impression strengthened by the fact that Trump often appears to change clothes several times in the course of a sentence. Moreover, a lot of the footage doesn’t seem to be Trump at all, just the member of Panorama staff who does the best Trump impression wearing a silly wig.


'Guys, this really isn’t helpful,' said leading Democrat Chuck Schumer. 'What Trump actually says is awful enough, we don’t need you to make stuff up. It just encourages people not to trust what they see on the news.'


However, by the time Panorama had finished editing his statement, it sounded like he was coming out strongly in favour of the licence fee, and demanding Panorama be recommissioned for another season.



Image credit: perchance.org

Trump to release Epstein files after Game of Thrones



The President has been accused of delaying incriminating evidence by tying it to George.R.R.Martin's work rate. A spokeswoman clarified. 'Nonsense, the President has every confidence George will release the final books. He wants to put all the dodgy sex behind him, although George wrote it like that.'


Much like the books, Trump is hoping the files have an anticlimactic ending - preferably without him climaxing. HBO are said to be interested in the files but are concerned that it will be too rude even for them.


Conspiracy theorists think George will be killed before he finishes, although fans have said that he's more likely to die of old age first. 'The President hoping neither the files or books have a happy ending. And, yes, he knows that has a double meaning.'


Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Gary Newbold, 27, was the first flat earther sent into space, in a bid by the government to combat conspiracy theorists by exposing them to undeniable visual evidence.


The Government's plan backfired spectacularly after Gary returned to Earth adamant that the Earth was flat, and therefore his eyes must be in on the hoax. Mr Newbold said ‘I was taught to never trust your eyes. I mean - where do they go at night, have you ever thought about that?’


Gary rubbished claims that he is a conspiracy theorist, asserting, ‘I just learned to always question things from Joe Rogan, I mean why would you just believe the experts, what do they know?’


After noticing his eyes were globe shaped just like in the fake round Earth theory, Gary removed both of his eyes with a spork, declaring that the evidence irrefutably showed his eyes were inside agents.


He claims he can now see better than ever, thanks to Joe Rogan awakening his 3rd eye. Despite his 3rd eye Gary remains house bound after dismissing his guide dog, upon learning it had been trained.



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