MPs condemn the existence of Rap

Raged one Minister, against the machine: 'It's political and offensive but more importantly it's in rhyming couplets. What's that about? It's like an angry Dr Seuss. Rap is poetry for poor people and we won't stand for it. Poetry or poor people!

'We condemn the controversial rap group Kneecap, for deliberately rapping in a controversial way. It's almost as if it was intentional. How dare they court publicity by appearing in public. Using words to make you think and feel! Whatever next? Phat beats to make you move?

'We appeal to all festivals to give youngsters the music they want - Gregorian Chants. Nothing to dance to and all the words are in Latin. Or the old classics that your Nan would sing, like NWA's Fuk Da Police.'

Image: Gordon Cowie (@gcowie) | Unsplash Photo Community

Katie Hopkins returns to X!@#

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'Shuggerly fut’ controversy rages at Scat Singers’ Conference

Although ‘shim shim shakoochy’ and ‘vup vup kecharlie’ were both found to be acceptable new phrases by the Scat Singers' Conference annually held in Chattanooga (booga booga) last week, there were ugly-bugly disagreements over both the provenance and the value of ‘Bruggerly-But’ and it’s assonant counterparts, including ‘Wuggerly-Fut’ and ‘Duggerly-chut’.

After the singing of the traditional anthem, King of the Swingers, with Scatters solemnly swearing allegiance to ‘Bomp Bop Arony’ and a video link featuring Glen Hoddle for the customary ‘Hoddle Oddle Oddle’, the conference, presided over by chairperson Charles ‘Rhubarb, a-Boobarb’ Smith got under way.

In the Ella Fitzgerald memorial lecture the values of improvising round ‘scroopy toop booty’ while carefully avoiding ‘booby’ and ‘looby’ were extolled and there was a growling workshop led my Tim Waaah-Caaah–Baa Baah-Baah, emphasising mucus.

The Teddy Treddy Ted-talk was given by none other than Brother ‘Other’ Huther, who explained to the uninitiated that far from being improvised gobbledy-goop googamafloop, scat is actually the traditional language of the lost Ronka-Bonk-Bonker tribe, whose resonant meanings have faded in the mists of time and been left in a notebook on a train. Only new scat vocalisations like ‘himba, bachimba’ and the much loved ‘ooh ooh, ma booh-booh’ could be admitted on the basis they sounded authentic in the heat of the moment.

However, ‘Wuggerly But’ and ‘spit-knee ca-joe-nut’ were disallowed despite the threat of legal action by their sponsors and a slow hand clap-a-chat-back. There was no decision reached on the proposal of a Ramadan-a ding-dong, or a Hanukah-harmonica.

The conference closed with the traditional drinks and dinner social event, renamed the Shoobie Doobie Do.

In other news, the annual Italian sign language conference has had to be abandoned yet again after 23 injuries and one death.