Corbyn’s new party could provide 'limitless source of cheap energy'

Scientists today announced they’ve discovered a way to turn the factional infighting of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s Your Party into a limitless source of cheap energy.

'The trouble with existing hydrogen-based fission reactors is that you have to put the material under extreme heat and pressure to make it split into its component parts,' explained Dr Bunsen Honeydew. 'So most of the energy you get out, you have to put straight back in to keep the reaction going.

'But this new material, yourpartium, is incredible - you just need a tiny amount and it gets overheated and starts splitting all by itself. In fact, some experiments suggest you just need a single atom of corbynium and one of sultanium, and fission occurs almost immediately.'

Newspaper columnists and cartoonists confirmed they also find the party a limitless source of cheap gags, often referencing the People’s Front of Judea from Monty Python’s 'Life of Brian'.

'However, it does have the same problem fission always does,' Dr Honeydew continued, 'in that it produces a rather toxic waste product - in this case, bitterness. 

'Clearly, we need to find a way of disposing of it safely. One suggestion is to combine it with the former Prince Andrew’s bitterness at losing his titles and status, and dump the whole lot out at sea.'

Image credit: NB archives

Starmer quits Corbyn's new party

In a carefully prepared statement, from 2015, Sir Starmer distanced himself from Sir Keir Starmer from 2015. Stating that he had no plans to join a left wing party now or in the future. Or the past for that matter.

"I have been a loyal activisit since before I was born. So, it's with a heavy heart that I must tend my resignation from a party I never joined and had no intention of joining.

In the words of Groucho Marx, I do not want to be a member of a party that would a c%t like me as a member.'

image from pixabay

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Corbsky found murdered with ice-axe in head

Left wing firebrand Leon 'Jeremy' Corbsky has been found murdered, an ice-axe buried in his skull, at the hacienda in Mexico where he was in hiding.

Though no one has claimed responsibility, few doubt his murder was ordered by party General Secretary Josef 'Keir' Starmlin, of whom Corbsky had become a persistent critic in recent times.

The two had been comrades-in-arms in the early days of the Glorious People's Revolution of 1997. It was at this time Starmlin adopted his famous nom de guerre, most often translated as 'man of plastic' though its literal meaning is 'Ken doll'.

However, the power struggle following the fall of Blairnin saw the two become bitter enemies over policy differences, Corbsky arguing for an immediate seizure of the means of production, distribution and exchange, Starmlin promising to 'consider' abolishing the charitable status of private schools.

Matters came to a head when Starmlin declared in a speech to party commissars that Corbsky could no longer stand as a Party candidate. On hearing the news, Corbsky fled his beloved North Islington, pausing only to ask his brother Piers to look after his allotment while he was away.

Sources close to Corbsky say he was terrified that if he stayed he'd be sent to Siberia, i.e. south of the river, forced to live in conditions so harsh you can't even get a decent flat white or gluten-free tartiflette.

Corbsky's murder leaves Starmlin free to extend his reign of terror over the nation, and possibly increase higher rate income tax by one percent.

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