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The desire to demonstrate royalist patriotism better than you through the medium of consumerism is already reaching fever pitch. Sales of coronation merchandise have been described as rampant, with Coronation Cockrings outselling Nicholas Witchell pin cushions by 400%.


Also flying off tatshop shelves are novelty cufflinks that constantly fiddle with themselves, plants which talk back, and his and her's monstrous carbuncles. The Randy Andy range of dry goods, however, has been a complete flop, particularly the 'Homeless Andrew' waterproof, padded sleeping bag.


Popular among the satirical writing market are classy fountain pens which leak like a right royal bastard, and include a voice activation in Received Pronunciation announcing, 'This pissing pen is leaking blue-blood', and 'You deal with this, dear, such annoyances are beneath my status'. The pens also come with a full fountain setting.


For royalist foodies, it's a tight snacking and grazing call between Coronation Cauliflower and Carrot Crunch Candy and the Stoned of Scone Marijuana Cream Tea Hampers. But if one is a royalist too poor to afford food, one can make one's presence heard during the anointing ceremony with a cheap plastic honking vuvuzela.


Astounding many in the motor industry are runaway orders for Mini Coopers in regal purple with Charles III supersized wing mirrors and a crown on the roof. Made in Germany, just like the British Royal Family. But Lady Di Dildos offered by an organisation called the Daily Sexpress have been slammed as 'pushing it a bit'.



Written jointly by Myke & SteveB, and a hat tip to Lockjaw



First published 24 April 2023


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The palace has conformed songs from the illustrious career of Andrew Lloyd Fibber will feature at the King's coronation. It is believed the crowning and anointment with oil will be accompanied by the song ‘Don’t Massage me Marge and Tina’, a smash hit for Fibber in 1976. Here is a full list of musicals that will feature, as played by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra in Westminster Abbey.


Andrew and his Amazing Technicolor Alibi (1968)

The hit musical that launched his career, featuring such classic hits as ‘Any Excuse Will Do’.


Jesus Christ Super-injunction (1970)

Not much we can say about that one.


Cats (1981)

In which the lead singer forgets the words to that timeless bittersweet ballad ‘Memory’.


Pizza Express (1984)

A roller-skating spectacular. The audience watch with bated breath, waiting for members of a stellar cast to fall flat on their faces


The Phantom of the Night Club (1986)

Performers stand around, not doing very much and insisting they weren’t sure why they turned up in the first place because nightclubs aren’t really their thing. Features the hit song ‘Nosweat Boulevard’.


School of York (2015)

An ageing rocker is thrown out of his band but lands a job teaching kids. The show closed following complaints.


Sarah Brightman and Paul Chuckle have been booked to sing alongside the King in outlandish sequin costumes. Tickets are available online or from a booth in Leicester Square. Andrew Lloyd Fibber musicals may contain flashing images.



First published 20 Feb 2023



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