The desire to demonstrate royalist patriotism better than you through the medium of consumerism is already reaching fever pitch. Sales of coronation merchandise have been described as rampant, with Coronation Cockrings outselling Nicholas Witchell pin cushions by 400%.
Also flying off tatshop shelves are novelty cufflinks that constantly fiddle with themselves, plants which talk back, and his and her's monstrous carbuncles. The Randy Andy range of dry goods, however, has been a complete flop, particularly the 'Homeless Andrew' waterproof, padded sleeping bag.
Popular among the satirical writing market are classy fountain pens which leak like a right royal bastard, and include a voice activation in Received Pronunciation announcing, 'This pissing pen is leaking blue-blood', and 'You deal with this, dear, such annoyances are beneath my status'. The pens also come with a full fountain setting.
For royalist foodies, it's a tight snacking and grazing call between Coronation Cauliflower and Carrot Crunch Candy and the Stoned of Scone Marijuana Cream Tea Hampers. But if one is a royalist too poor to afford food, one can make one's presence heard during the anointing ceremony with a cheap plastic honking vuvuzela.
Astounding many in the motor industry are runaway orders for Mini Coopers in regal purple with Charles III supersized wing mirrors and a crown on the roof. Made in Germany, just like the British Royal Family. But Lady Di Dildos offered by an organisation called the Daily Sexpress have been slammed as 'pushing it a bit'.
Written jointly by Myke & SteveB, and a hat tip to Lockjaw
First published 24 April 2023
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