'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Society has been left surprised yet enthralled by the revelation that the cost of living crisis is now over.

'We realised that it's only a 'cost of living crisis' because that's what we call it,' said a spokesperson from PipeDream, another think tank no one has heard about until now, 'if we just, you know, stop calling it a cost of living crisis and say that's it's over, then everything will be better.'

'Obviously this news has surprised us, but we are overjoyed,' said a stunned one close aide to the Prime Minister, 'we began to check the numbers, and then realised that we don't need to check the numbers - we can just say it's not a crisis and everyone will just... forget? I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner.'

PipeDream went on to suggest the entire situation has been one big misunderstanding. 'We don't believe there was ever a crisis to begin with,' they said to a bewildered audience industry movers and shakers, 'Our research strongly indicates this crisis was due to a typo. It should have been a 'cost of living CRUISES', and we recommend that the government immediately partner-up with P&O to rectify this national grievance.'

However, not everyone has been convinced by this revelation. Steve, from 'the local back alley' stated, 'Errr, I'm not being funny, but I'm still homeless and I don't know where my next meal will come from. Still, it's nice to know there's no longer a national crisis - just a personal one. Can you spare any change?'

The aide continued, 'we have already opened applications for the inevitable demand for street parties that'll swarm the nation due to this fantastic news. I hear Waitrose has an excellent party platter, and now we can now all finally afford it. Rejoice!'

Story: Edward Bartholomew Tetanus Bag

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash

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The Mysterious Case of the Missing Biscuits

Holmes called faithful housekeeper Mrs Hudson into his consulting room. Watson stood behind his chair looking serious. Holmes coughed, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say.

“Mrs Hudson, Watson and I have noticed that the number of biscuits placed upon our saucers at tea time has decreased by thirty-three percent. I am unable to account for this. I see no evidence of you squirrelling away part of the shopping money to spend on gin, fancy clothes or to give to an unsavoury acquaintance. Your behaviour remains constant, and I must therefore ask you to account for the reduction in my dark chocolate gingers. Should you be concerned for my health, Watson assures me that the dark chocolate gingers aren’t my most pressing vice.

“There is no mystery, it’s the price of comestibles now, have you not heard of cossie livs?”

Dr John Watson looked thoughtful. 'Cossie Livs, does she do business from an address in Soho?' he asked.

An awkward silence descended on the room, like a tree falling due to the palm oil industry.

'It’s shrinkflation,' said Mrs Hudson, sadly. 'You’re getting less for the same price. You’re also getting cheaper ingredients. Palm oil is in your chocolate, bread and biscuits now. It's everywhere. Last night it slid into bed with me and whispered that it wasn’t even the worst oil.'

Dr Watson sighed, “Might as well add a statin to all these foods then”. He frowned.

Holmes sniffed at his dark chocolate ginger and wondered at the folly of the modern world.

Image credit: deep dream generator

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I want a Swatch outstrips Cost of Living as UK's top crisis

All the pain and suffering of life in modern Britain has been laid bare as the country's poorest jostle and fight to hand over £335 each for a plastic watch.

"Sure, I'm on benefits and life is hard," said Dwayne Scally, jumping the queue outside a Swatch store in Liverpool to get a coveted "Royal Pop" pocket watch.

"But life will be unbearable unless I get one of them mini-clock things to show me mates down the pub."

"Then I'll flog it on eBay, probably, as well as the other two that I intend to nick," Scally confided.

Labour leadership hopefuls Angela Rayner, Andy Burnham and Wes Streeting have all promised a special Swatch allowance to anyone who's desperate to buy one of these absurdly overpriced toy-like timepieces and who promises to vote Labour in future by-elections.

image from Google Gemini