Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships

The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on.

'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - and, if necessary, those without children too - will not personally feel the pinch. We are confident that this should help the party - sorry, the country - get through the winter.'

Asked if she might follow the lead of Greater Manchester and also cut bus fares, Ms Runcorn said that actually reducing the price of anything was not government policy, and that personally she had no interest in a transport mode that is only used by "common people who hardly vote"; a sentiment that she later clarified really meant "valued Red Wall Conservatives".

Cost of cremation deterring people from dying

The increase in energy cost affects every industry, including crematoriums. There is a crisis caused by the cost of dying running parallel to the cost of living crisis, with people now finding death is a luxury they can no longer afford. Tory party members are calling on the prospective leadership candidates to tackle this as a matter of urgency, as the longer state pension is being paid to individuals who are no longer productive, the less opportunity the government has to cut taxes.

A right-wing think tank has suggested that crematoriums in Labour voting areas should be abolished and corpses of anyone with an estate valued at less than £1m be turned into Findus lasagnes.

Conservatives to launch Con-men-wealth games

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