Tesco to launch three for the price of two refuse collections

As councils throughout the land struggle to cope with their duty to provide refuse collection services now that the majority of their truck drivers are now working for retailers, Tesco has been keen to address the impending disaster by adding refuse collection to the range of services it offers its customers.

To launch this service, the supermarket is giving a time-limited offer of refuse collection three times for the price of twice. Details of how this will work out in practice remain vague at this time, but a Tesco spokesperson was keen to point out that Clubcard points would be earned on every occasion that Tesco took away the contents of its customers' waste bins, which most likely contain unnecessary packaging and uneaten ready meals.

The spokesperson went on to say: It's a well known fact that Colman's made more money out of the mustard left on the side of the plate than was made from the mustard consumed, so we're very keen to learn what we're doing right for the sake of our shareholders.

'Collecting our customers' waste will allow us to analyse in a way that wasn't previously possible. We can establish in more detail what it was we were flogging that our customers didn't actually want, meaning we can focus our marketing to sell them more of it.

One customer, Deirdre from Wandsworth, thought it was the best thing she'd heard of in years. 'I'm really looking forward to having my bin emptied three times on the day the dustcart comes round, even if it costs twice as much. The bloody council wouldn't have dreamed of offering a service like this.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bluebudgie-4333174/

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First published 27 Oct 2021

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Reform Council Cuts Funding To Noah

As part of their attempts to cut local government waste, and to get a like from Elon Musk on Twitter, Lincolnshire County Council has suspended funding to a local shipwright for what they describe as, 'a woke waste of public money.'

Standing at his slipway near Mablethorpe, Noah Abraham looks down at the keel of his 'Animal Rescuing Ketch' and sighs. 'It's such a shame,' he tells us. 'They said the only deity they worship is Nigel Farage, and he's not given the instruction to build a vessel, so I'm officially cancelled, along with the Pride festival and Employment Rights training.'

At County Hall, a Reform Party spokesman defended the cuts, saying, 'Mr Abraham's project was yet another example of the waste that Reform Councils will be cutting through. Lincolnshire is clearly at no risk of flooding, so long as we take the time to stand on the beach at Skegness and order the tide to turn. And if it were to flood, we'd all simply get in small boats, sail up the coast a bit, and get put up in five-star hotels.'

Elaborating on the rejection of Noah's scheme, he continued. 'When we looked at his plan, it was entirely unworkable, as we simply cannot afford two of every animal. However, many of our councillors did approve of the idea that a future world would be populated by a single bloodline. After all, keeping your family close is par for the course in the wolds, which also explains why many local children start school being able to count to eleven.'

Nigel Farage was not available for comment without paying him £50 to give an answer via Cameo.

Image credit: stable diffusion

First they came for the deck chairs...