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If you go down in the woods today...



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Dacorum Decorum 

(to the tune of "Teddy Bears' Picnic")

If you go down in the woods today

You’re sure of a big surprise.

If you go down in the woods today

You’d better not touch your flies,


For council men, wherever they’re hid

Might charge you up to eighty-eight quid

Cos that’s the way the

Bureaucrats get your piss nicked.


Piss-take time for bureaucrats

The soddin’ bureaucrats are

Having a lovely time today

They might catch you unaware,

Bend your ear and spoil your holiday.


See them get their papers out

They’re not in any doubt

You’re littering with intent.

In six months’ time, they’ll hear your appeal,

Till then they’ve got your dosh

It’s a pain in the fundament!


If you go down in the woods today

You might have to take a loan

It’s handy down in the woods today

But cheaper to go at home


And you’re peed off, but they will accrue

A golden stream of new revenue - 

That’s the way the bureaucrats

Get your piss nicked.



Manchester launches takeover bid for Birmingham


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Manchester City Council has launched a takeover bid for ‘bankrupt’ Birmingham City Council. Describing the terms as “generous”, the North Western city has offered to keep some parts of its competitor open, saving up to 30 jobs.


'As Britain’s second city, not to mention first city for football, we are ready to lend a helping hand to our poorer and less successful cousins in the Midlands,' smirked a Manchester local government worker, speaking on condition of anonymity and that we buy her another pint. 'We’d be delighted to welcome them in to our fold under the new brand name of South East Stockport.'


'Fucking Mancs,' responded someone at a bus stop near Birmingham Town Hall, that we’ll take as a spokesperson for the Council. 'As Britain’s real second city, we’re ready to offer our raised finger to our swaggering cousins in that Oasis-ridden dump on the road to Blackpool. Our bin men could batter them any day. Don’t mention the football.'


Meanwhile, council employees and citizens of the Midlands metropolis congregated in the city centre, some appealing for government aid, some for a donation from Ozzy Osbourne, and others praying for the ghost of Trevor Francis to descend and save them. However, the administrators in Whitehall have yet to take any action, beyond commenting that they were "already bored of this ghastly provincial business”.


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