PMs birthday bash followed covid rules - sort of - says government

Amid reports that up to 30 members of staff, interior decorators and family members met indoors to celebrate Boris Johnson's birthday during lockdown, the government has insisted that the whole meeting was carried out in compliance with COVID rules..

'The singing of Happy Birthday was carried out twice while the chef who cut the cake washed his hands, in line with government guidance at the time, said a spokesperson..

Responding to critics that the Prime Minister risked spreading Covid particles by blowing out the candles the government spokesman replied that removing a fire risk was an acceptable reason for not wearing a mask and was carried out entirely in the public interest.

Waterstones to open at midnight for release of Sue Gray report

Following insatiable public demand Waterstones booksellers have confirmed they will be opening their stores at Midnight so eager readers can get their hands on the Sue Gray report as soon as it’s published

‘We’re definitely going. My nine year old is absolutely Sue Gray mad’ explained Ipswich mother of two Louise Phillips, ‘He just loves government inquiries. He practically knows The Levenson Report off by heart and he’s always dressing up as his favourite characters’

‘I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s come down to breakfast in his favourite blonde wig, opened up a bottle of Barolo and sat around babbling for 25 minutes before jumping up and saying “I’m sorry I thought this was a work meeting” and leaving the room’

‘The only downside is that he’s become a bit of a self entitled, randy prick with no moral compass or empathy who must be stopped at any cost, but I’m sure it’s just a phase he’s going through’

A spokeswoman for Waterstones confirmed the event earlier today. ‘We’re so excited. We had great success with previous midnight openings for the last Harry Potter and the Collected Speeches of Anne Widdecombe so we thought why not do it again?’

‘They’ll be face painting for the kiddies, Chateuneuf-du-Pape for the grown ups and we’re even selling a special limited edition that comes in its own presentation fridge with a 2kg wheel of Stilton’

‘We had hoped to have some of the stars of the report down for the opening as well. We tried inviting Rishi Sunak but for some reason no-one could track him down anywhere.’

Image: Pixabay/juno1412

Starmer close to completing Covid loyalty card

One man passion vacuum Keir Starmer has caught Covid for a second time. His 4 additional spells of enforced self-isolation had already made him the unluckiest Labour leader since Gordon Brown called a bigoted woman 'a bigoted woman' but got caught.

Starmer - the only person ever to be Tracked and Traced - is close to getting the coveted final stamp on his Covid loyalty card and ascending to platinum membership.

Labour activist Bob Bridlington denied that Angela Rayner was seen making a set of Starmer voodoo dolls and posting them straight to Wuhan. He noted 'Keir's commitment is such that he is single handedly skewing the government's Covid stats. And it's not as though self-isolating massively interferes with his social life. Plus he'll get a free coffee if it happens again.'

​Rees-Mogg announces the publication of a new weekly pamphlet in support of Johnson		Starmer to relaunch the Titanic... again