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Starmer to relaunch the Titanic... again

For the umpteenth time, the Leader of ''What passes for Opposition these days', is to relaunch his toxic brand of beige. Speaking to an empty hall, filled with empty promises and empty rhetoric, Sir Keir said he would underwhelm in a new, exciting way - like caravaning in Bognor Regis.

He said he supported prosperity and opportunity, without the slightest indication of how to do it. Making him the millionth politician to promise the same things. In fact, no politician since the dawn of time has said they were against prosperity and opportunity. Even Vlad the Impaler was for it and Vlad offered the nurses more than a 2.7% wage increase.

Wrapped inside a Union Jack, Sir Keir remarked that he was better than Boris - a boast that can be made by 99.9% of life on Earth. A spokeswoman confirmed: 'Keith's policy is to have no policies. His pledge is to have pledges. His vision is to go to Specsavers'.

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