Still time for nuclear war to save us from The Nan Movie, insists expert

There is still hope that a nuclear apocalypse could occur in the next day and spare humanity from The Nan Movie, according to an expert closely monitoring the situation.

Amnesty International have been campaigning against the impending release of the feature length film based on Catherine Tate's "beloved" character. Having exhausted all legal routes to halt the atrocity, nuclear war is now seen as the world's best hope.

'The production and distribution of 90 minute movies based on one-dimensional characters is explicitly forbidden under the terms of the Geneva Convention, which classes it as a crime against humanity,' explained Michael Oliver, from Amnesty,

'Unfortunately Catherine Tate and Warner Bros, drunk on misplaced confidence in their own creative genius, have ignored this and plan to release this film across the UK on March 18th in an act of pure barbarism. Our only remaining hope is that Russia's invasion of Ukraine spirals quickly into a full-blown global nuclear war, annihilating the world's population before they can be exposed to the movie.'

The Nan Movie was originally scheduled for release in 2020 but was postponed due to cinemas being closed during Covid-19 restrictions. The ongoing pandemic is widely believed to have been significantly less damaging to the mental health of the wider public.

'If the release of The Nan Movie is not somehow stopped then who knows what other atrocities could follow in an escalation,' continued Oliver,

'We could be looking at a sequel in a year or so or, even worse, a new Mrs Brown's Boys film.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/amitkrsocial-2567040/

Media declares Free News Story Day

The country's media outlets have welcomed the end of lockdown restrictions and declared 'Free News Story Day' - a day in which journalists of all descriptions can generate unlimited news stories entirely from vox pops of the general public.

Since initial lockdown, reporting has been limited to awkwardly catching passers-by in otherwise deserted high streets, with people's opinions kept at least one paragraph apart. However, from today, hacks will have access to hundreds of maskless denizens crammed onto beaches and in parks, each with their own 'story' to tell. People talking about what they have been doing with their day so far and what they plan to do that afternoon will become newsworthy, along with entirely unqualified views on virology and the Government's response. Meanwhile, the Government has officially declared that informative content in news stories is no longer mandatory, and left to the journalists' discretion.

Reporters gathered in their droves in the newly-reopened pubs and clubs having finished early for the day after completing a couple of circuits of the local park, while photographers, who have spent the morning shooting sunbathers, volleyball players and other beach dwellers, have called it 'the easiest morning of work since the A-Level results'. However, some have criticised the lifting of restrictions as hasty, claiming that far from easing into a new normal, our screens will quickly become densely packed with drunken smiling revelers, leading to an additional spike in Love Island episodes later in the year.