Covid over as nearly 800 people die in a week

The government announced today that the pandemic is as good as over. 'Wear a mask if you must, wash your hands, keep your distance, whatever - loser,' said a government spokesman.

When it was pointed out that 797 people had died in the last seven days and that 70 had died in the same seven days last year the spokesman pointed out that due to the 'fantastic benefit of the vaccines people aren't getting as unwell and those who died probably weren't as unwell as those a year ago thanks to the vaccines. They probably died a lot weller this year,' he added.

The government has denied that the return to schools where social distancing, masks and common sense were being ditched would result in any increase in deaths. 'There can't be any more grandparents for the blighters to infect, surely?' he asked.

photo by fietzfotos @ Pixabay

Man shaves after concluding his lockdown beard is more Lineker than Clooney

A man’s attempt to grow designer stubble during lockdown has ended in defeat after he was forced to admit that it made him look more like a scruffy football pundit than a Hollywood actor.

Mr James Lloyd of Basingstoke had not allowed his facial hair to grow since failing dismally in the sixth form grow a moustache competition several decades earlier, but thought lockdown brought the ideal opportunity to develop a new cool and stylish image, only 30 years after it became fashionable.

But after four months of ensuring his face was blurry and poorly lit during Zoom meetings while he grew and trimmed and shaped his new look, Mr Lloyd has given up and shaved it all off. However, he is not at all downhearted. ‘My wife said getting rid of the beard took ten years off me so I’m going to grow it and shave it all off again at least twice more,’ he explained.

Image by Hands off my tags! Michael Gaida from Pixabay

Odysseus slams today’s travel whingers

“Blimey! A few hours waiting for test results. Maybe having to self isolate for a week when you get home. It took me ten years to get back. And that’s after ten years fighting the Trojan War for flip’s sake!

“Red or amber. Huh. Try sneaking back to your boat under the belly of a sheep. Weather a bit rough? What rowing between the six-headed monster Scylla and the whirlpool Charybdis. Nambies.

“Then you get home and find there’s a load of freeloaders trying to get off with you wife, and you have to slaughter them all. Puts a pile of junk mail into perspective, doesn’t it?

“Mind you, I’ve not flown with Ryanair. I understand that can have its challenges.”