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Covid brought the perfect cover for hiding bad news - at least until the cabinet office forgot to invite prominent journalists to BYOB parties during lockdown - or actually did invite them but forgot to add that the invitation to bring your own booze was an in-joke - of course the taxpayer would provide. Now, when partygate, Brexit screw ups and downright corruption were starting to touch the public consciousness the government has had the cover provided by Putin's invasion of Ukraine. at least one person of Prime Minister status will have mouthed, if not emailed, Vladimire Putin a big thank-you for that, it has been suggested.


However, when surveying the bunched up carpets with the bodies piled under and the crisis that seemed to pop up daily now well and truly obscured by the fog of war the Cabinet office is struggling to find new bodies to sweep under and almost certainly illegal events to be lied about. Unless you include a visit to kneel in front of a despot who relishes hanging and beheading dozens of people a day on charges that may or may not stand up to scrutiny in a real court to cover for not doing more to avoid having to pay Putin to fund his adventures in Ukraine while paying Ukrainians in weapons to stop the man you're paying for oil. By not doing more, read anything, actually.



After a wide ranging review by self-styled, organisational development ‘experts’, a fifth horseman of the apocalypse is to be appointed. This recognises that, in 2022, there is a very significant amount of extra work for the horsemen, and that this cannot be delivered to a high standard by the existing workforce.


A spokesman said that the contributions of war, famine, pestilence and death remains as valuable as ever and continues to be visible across the globe – in Syria, Lebanon, Ukraine and elsewhere. However, recent events in the political sphere have made it clear that incompetence has a valuable role in delivering the coming apocalypse. Pestilence has accepted that failing to deal with hospital waiting lists, for example, doesn’t fairly fall under his remit. The four existing horsemen are united in welcoming Incompetence to the team, and are looking forward to accelerating delivery of the coming apocalypse, in line with their five year strategy.


The spokesman said that events in the UK over the last five years had demonstrated the contribution of incompetence, citing Brexit, Covid (including failure to lockdown, PPE contracts and discharging infected patients to care homes) and the recently withdrawn UK-Ireland World Cup bid as particularly strong examples.


Headhunters are now working to recruit the new horseman and are pursuing a number of strong candidates currently working in the field of politics, but who are expected to become available very soon.


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