Matt Hancock’s mate from down the pub to run the BBC

The same bloke awarded a massive £530m contract for making Covid test kits in the function hire room of his pub has hit the jackpot again by being given the entire BBC.

'It's fantastic news,' said Matt Hancock's mate and new BBC chairman, Terry White. 'To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, so it's a bit like being given the special Covid crony contract all over again. I didn't have a clue what I was doing with that, and I don't have that much experience of running a multi-million-pound corporation. Still, if it makes me a shed load of cash, who gives, right?'

'I'll probably blow a load of money on a new series of Top Gear, with yours truly, Dan who used to work at Kwik-Fit and Keith across the road who has huge sub-woofers tied to his roof rack. Viewers can rest assured that all the female news presenters and weather girls are up to scratch and wearing age-appropriate swimwear. All that serious news bollocks will be binned, along with anything 'edgy' or 'creative', and Attenborough is out on his ear. I've already awarded myself six British Academy TV awards, and now I'm looking forward to putting in a sealed bid for British Gas. Me and the wife think £25.00 should cover it.'

Barman Green Drinks - Free photo on Pixabay

Self isolation to be measured in nanoseconds, unless you are Prime Minister

The government has admitted to following the science, if only out of curiosity, and has determined that isolating for extended periods isn't actually that necessary.

Unless you notionally run the country, in which case it's imperative that you self isolate at the first inkling that someone you are remotely related to has tested positive, even if you no longer admit to being their father or seeing them. Apparently the virus can reverse itself up the maintenance BACS payment into your account, through your wallet and into your body, so best be careful.

For everyone else, from Monday the self isolation period will be limited to the time it takes to drive to work, unless you travel by public transport, in which case it will be limited to however long it takes to walk to the bus stop or railway station. 'We can't put a defined time on the isolation,' a government minister said today, 'because you might have a half hour walk to the station, or you might have a bus stop outside your door. Anyhow we've really gone to town with the science now. We've asked them what is the shortest period of measurable time and they tell us it's the nanosecond, so that'll do. Now get back to work you work shy bastards, and don't cough all over me again. No -one is exempt.

'Apart from you Prime Minister, of course,' he added.

Alone Quarantine Pandemic - Free photo on Pixabay

Queen apologises for not bringing One's own booze

In a surprise announcement today a spokesperson for the Queen admitted she responded to the BYOB email sent from Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip's funeral. 'To be honest, all One wanted to do was get shit-faced,' said the statement. 'One's courtiers were keeping a distance, several were in isolation and one, who has since been dismissed, was on a ventilator without permission. One had a tough gig in the morning in Westminster Abbey and the invite came at the right time'.

'One searched the Royal fridge for some Stella or Sambuca. It seemed Philip polished off the Stella before going downhill and One hadn't been to Asda to replenish. Unfortunately there was only a third of a bottle of Sambuca left and One polished it off before One's Uber arrived, so One arrived at Downing Street empty handed. One's bad. Anyway One found that the Downing Street crew had popped to Bargain Booze with a suitcase so One didn't need to bring anything after all.

'Long story short, One was left hanging off the Downing Street railings at five in the morning, cue return Uber, home, shit and shower and then One sat in a quiet dark spot in Westminster Abbey on One's own. To be fair, One needed the peace and quiet.

Images: Pixabay/Baralous