UK takes the lead in Covid Olympics

Long before the athletics starts, the UK is already leading the medal table with eight self-isolations and a bronze medal in track and trace. Prior to the starting pistol going off, Britain has surged ahead with transmission surges.

During events, athletes will have to clear vaccine passport hurdles, sprint for vaccines and take a hop, skip and jump based on sketchy data. The Head of GB Athletics spoke of their pride: ‘We have golds in infection rates, corruption and Mo Farrah has a tickly cough’.

The Games will culminate in the Covid Relay, where British runners pass infected phlegm from one to another, over 100m and 400m. The closing ceremony, as hospitalizations peak, will be followed by the closing of the NHS.

COVID beaten, PM confirms

Thanks to Britain's world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.

Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.

'We've seen it off and that's an end to it once and for all. We've tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.', the PM is thought to have said.

'It certainly won't be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre', he continued. 'But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that's highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won't have been following our latest and most excellent advice.'

Spain cancels annual balcony jumping championship

One of the worlds most popular Spanish speaking countries, Spain, has been forced to cancel one of its most lucrative and popular sporting events, due to covid reasons. 'We need the imbecilic English to come back in their self-destructive droves', said Alberto De Cosa, Assistant Manager at the main hosting stadium, the prestigious half-star Golden Palm hotel, next to the recycling incinerator plant in Marbella.' 'There is a smattering of French, Italian and German contestants here, but a tournament without the current world champions is a bit pointless.' Darren Fincher, the UK's No.1, who took over from his brother Reggie following a dramatic pool miss incident last year, said he was absolutely gutted. 'I'm absolutely gutted,' said Darren. I've perfected the fifth-floor plunge into the main WC shaped swimming pool. So I was hoping to go one better with a sixth-floor triple somersault and synchronised belly flop through the glass roof of the restaurant and into a bucket of cold sick left over from the afternoon buffet.' A spokesperson for UK sport said the government regretted imposing travel restrictions, even to this sporting event. 'We deeply regret stopping people attending a world-renowned event which basically has no health and no safety. We completely understand that this makes it a popular event for elite English athletes. However, we've followed the science as always and concluded that balcony jumping is slightly more risky than the Covid Delta variant.